#i should not be allowed to listen to sad songs at night

[hoshinasblade]

"time cast a spell on you, but you won't forget me / i know i could have loved you but you wouldn't let me / you'll never get away from the sound of the woman that loves you" but make it about hoshina soshiro

when hoshina soshiro ended things with you, he said he did it because you deserve more than to be a young widow.

you would have called bullshit, but you recognise the truth is not far from his argument - defense force officers sometimes succumb to fatal injuries during kaiju attacks, and hoshina may be a skilled swordsman, but he isn't a god. as if the reason isn't enough, you knew that if he had wanted to stay with you despite being aware of the possibility of him dying in the field, he would have.

ten days before your third anniversary, hoshina abandoned your life and did not leave any traces at all. you did not know whether to be thankful that he was the one to tell your mutual friends of what transpired between you two.

it should have relieved hoshina; not being tied up in a relationship gave him more freedom to choose for himself - he even agreed to wear the weaponised kaiju no. 10 suit despite the likelihood of his lifespan decreasing because at least this time, he isn't worried that he will be leaving you alone in this world should something tragic happen to him. he's a more effective vice-captain if he doesn't have anything to lose.

really, it should have relieved hoshina but it doesn't.

he still makes his coffee the same way you taught him how to when you were just first seeing each other - two sugar and one cream, because he likes sweet things. everytime his jokes sell among the crowd of new recruits, he would get a flashback of how your laugh would sound like. he doesn't know if it's just in his head because it's been a while since he's seen you, much less heard your laugher. one time, when a particularly brutal kaiju attack occurred in the area close to where you live, hoshina soshiro prayed for the first time since he was a child - begging for any saint who would listen that hopefully you're safe, that you're alive.

really, the breakup should have relieved hoshina but it didn't. sometimes when he is too tired from training he would fall to his bed, his hand would trace the other side of the mattress for you only to find the cold and empty touch of his own blanket.

[pohyuck]

shouldn’t, couldn’t, wouldn’t —

⚡︎ .ᐟ boy-next-door!haechan x reader—where they weren't supposed to kiss. or call. or catch feelings. too bad they suck at rules.

⚡︎ .ᐟ inspired by NIKI's "shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't"—i love her so much plz give the song a listen if you haven't yet!!

⚡︎ .ᐟ suggestive content, and waayyy too many late-night feelings. (11.2k)

· · ─ ─ · · · · ─ ─ · ·

moving day was a disaster waiting to happen, and surprise—it happened. three hours of sleep, zero caffeine, and enough bad decisions packed into one tote bag to make a reality show jealous.

all you had to do was survive moving day without collapsing, crying, or accidentally making eye contact with a neighbor you'd have to avoid forever.

spoiler alert: you would fail at all three.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · · · · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

shouldn’t

moving day was already the worst.

you were sleep deprived, under caffeinated, and sweating through your tote bag. you had just barely managed to drag a heavy suitcase to your apartment door before realizing the key was on the very bottom of your backpack. beneath a book, a half-eaten granola bar, and your crippling regret.

he was sitting across from your new apartment, cross-legged on the floor, surrounded by half a bag of cheetos and the loudest facetime call in the world. from what you could hear, his friend was yelling something about a suspicious rash.

he looked up just in time to catch you drop your bag, trip over it, and slam your forehead lightly into your own door.

there was a long pause.

then he muted his call and clapped.

“10 out of 10 entrance,” he said, still chewing.

you stared at him from the floor, holding your dignity in both hands like a fragile egg.

“thanks,” you deadpanned. “been rehearsing that fall for weeks.”

he grinned like this was the highlight of his day.

and to make things worse, he was stupid hot. like—should not be allowed to have a face like that—hot. tousled brown hair, warm skin, golden chain resting against his collarbone. and of course, the stupid frog socks.

“you moving in?” he asked, like that wasn’t obvious from the five boxes labeled ‘sad kitchen stuff’ next to you.

“no,” you said. “i just like loitering in random hallways. adds spice to my week.”

he tilted his head. “you’re funny.”

“you’re nosy.”

“you’re in my way.”

“you’re still staring.”

you blinked. looked away so fast your neck almost cracked. he was still grinning, smug, stupid, and gorgeous.

“i’m haechan,” he offered, finally. “i live across from you. that makes us... hallway buddies.”

“gross,” you muttered. “do not say that ever again.”

he only winked. “you’ll love me in three to five business days.”

later that night, after successfully unpacking approximately one spoon and a broken desk lamp, you found a note slid under your door.

“welcome to the building. hallway buddies 4ever <3 - h”

you told yourself you rolled your eyes. you told yourself it didn’t make you smile.

you shouldn’t.

but the butterflies in your stomach said, good fucking luck with that.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

your room is still half-boxes and unfamiliar shadows while you were on the phone with seol.

“oh, by the way, my cousin jaem invited me over to this pregame he’s having at his place. want to come with?”

you reply, “i think i’m just gonna stay in tonight, honestly.”

“too late! i’m already outside.”

you blink. then hear her knock.

jaemin’s apartment is loud. that’s the first thing you notice. not just music, but the sharp, overlapping noise of too many voices in a too-small space. you barely step inside when the second thing hits you.

and the thing was slouched on the couch in a leather jacket, head tilted back, laughing at something jeno just said. then he sees you.

his whole expression shifts, like a switch flipped.

“well, well, well,” he calls out with a lazy grin. “if it isn’t my hallway buddy.”

you groan. “don’t call me that in public.”

you slide into the empty seat next to him before your brain has the chance to vote. his knee brushes yours. neither of you mention it.

across the room, jaemin tosses you a drink without looking. “new apartment treating you okay?” he asks.

“yeah,” you say, then glance at haechan. “we actually live across from each other.”

seol’s head whips around. “wait—you two live across the hall?”

you nod slowly. haechan just shrugs, taking a sip like it’s nothing. “guess we’re neighbors and now party pals.”

jaemin points between the two of you. “and this never came up before?”

“didn’t exactly come up in the elevator,” you mutter.

the night spins faster after that. drinks. music. renjun attempting to dj in the kitchen using two phones and a bowl. someone breaks out a deck of cards. there’s a group effort to freestyle over a beat that no one can agree on. laughter bounces off the walls.

you lose track of time—until you somehow end up crammed into a corner during never have i ever. haechan’s shoulder presses into yours, his voice low near your ear.

“small world,” he says. “hallway, party, now, a fun little drink game territory”

you raise your cup. “should’ve stayed home.”

he clinks his drink lightly against yours. “you’d be bored without me.”

you don’t answer.

because he might be right.

“never have i ever hooked up with a neighbor,” jeno said, smirking.

haechan looked at you.

you glared at him.

“i haven’t!” you protested.

“yet,” he said under his breath.

you blinked.

your ears got hot.

you told yourself it was the tequila.

later, in the quiet chaos of 2 a.m., you were helping him find a spare charger in jaemin’s room. mostly because you didn’t trust him not to steal one if left unsupervised.

“you’re fun,” he said suddenly, watching you from the doorway.

“i’m also emotionally unavailable and extremely good at ghosting,” you replied, digging through drawers.

“perfect,” he said, grinning. “my type.”

you stood up. too close. his eyes dropped to your mouth for half a second too long.

i should step back, you thought.

but you didn’t.

he leaned in slightly. just enough to test a theory.

you stared at him.

then laughed—too loud, too fake, too “please don’t let this be real.”

you cleared your throat.

“we should go,” you said quickly.

he hesitated. then stepped back.

“yeah,” he said softly. “we should.”

once it was time to go home, he insisted on driving back to your place. the drive back home was quiet. and once you’ve arrived at the building, none of you chose to speak. you walked, in silence, with your shoulders brushing.

you didn’t say anything when he opened the door to your building for you. you didn’t say anything when he held the elevator.

“you ever think,” he said, not looking at you “that maybe we’re just avoiding something?”

you blinked. “like what?”

his lips twitched. “something we shouldn’t do.”

you didn’t answer.

you didn’t have to.

the silence said enough.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

the texting started as a joke.

haechan had left a post-it on your door that said:

“you left your dignity in the hallway again. i’m holding it hostage. - h”

you: u have the worst handwriting in the world 😬

DNI!!: shut up >:( that’s not what u said when u saw my handwriting on ur heart

you had no response to that. not a good one anyway.

after that, the texts never really stopped.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

DNI!!: hey, u up?

you: if this is a booty call, i hope u step on a lego

DNI!!: 💔

DNI!!: u’re no fun

you: ?? i am SO much fun

DNI!!: prove it. come out

you: is this another hallway hang

DNI!!: unless u’re scared.. 😮

you opened your door exactly sixty seconds later.

he was already leaning against his, hoodie up, a box of ice cream sandwiches in one hand and the smirk. the one that said he knew he was your worst idea—and your favorite one.

“ice cream truce,” he said. “for your wounded ego.”

“from what?”

“from not kissing me that night at jaemin’s.”

you blinked. he was too close again.

“what makes you think i wanted to?”

he raised a brow. “didn’t you?”

you looked away. “just give me the ice cream.”

you sat in the hallway. backs against the wall. knees brushing again.

“so,” he said between bites, “what’s your tragic backstory?”

you laughed. “you first.”

he grinned, lazy and warm. “gemini. commitment issues. abandonment issues.”

“wow. the holy trinity.”

“and you?”

you shrugged. “recovering situationship survivor.”

he winced. “yikes.”

“you?”

“commitmentphobe with a god complex.”

you scoffed at him. “wow.. you’re actually self-aware?”

“only after 2 a.m.,” he said. “and only with you.”

you told yourself it was a joke. you told yourself the way he was looking at you didn’t make your heart do something stupid.

“haechan…” you started.

“yeah?”

“we’re not doing this.”

he paused.

“doing what?”

you glared. “this. flirting. late-night ice cream. emotional trauma swap. whatever this is.”

he nodded slowly. then smiled again. “yeah. no. definitely not. hallway buddies only.”

you both laughed.

but the silence after wasn’t light. it was heavy. like something was being buried beneath the joke.

when you got up to leave, he didn’t stop you.

because this—whatever it was—was exactly what you both knew you shouldn’t be starting.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you had a face mask on, hair tied, brooklyn nine-nine playing, and had just settled into your comfort burrito blanket cocoon when your phone buzzed.

DNI!!: can’t sleep

DNI!!: door’s open

you stared at the screen. then stared at your reflection. you looked like someone who’d lost a bet.

you told yourself you wouldn’t don’t go.

then grabbed your hoodie and went anyway.

his lights were dimmed, just one lamp glowing in the corner. the tv was playing some terrible reality dating show—a girl was crying because her man of two days chose someone else during a “trust fall challenge.”

“wow,” you said, sitting on the edge of his couch. “art.”

“masterpiece,” he agreed. “shakespeare could never.”

you watched in silence for a bit. you felt him watching you.

“you didn’t knock,” he said softly.

“you said the door was open.”

he nodded, eyes still on you. “just saying. you used to knock.”

“you used to be less cryptic,” you muttered.

he smiled. “i’m still cryptic. you’re just getting better at reading me.”

you laughed nervously. then fell silent again.

on-screen, someone yelled, “he can’t even define the relationship!”

you scoffed. “DTR,” you said. “men fear it.”

“yeah,” haechan muttered. “i’ve always sucked at that part.”

you glanced at him. he was looking at the floor. “why?” you asked, before you could stop yourself.

he shrugged. “because... once you define it, you can’t pretend it’s not real.”

you didn’t know what to say to that. so you didn’t say anything.

the silence stretched. not awkward. just heavy.

he was sitting closer now. when had he moved?

your knees touched. neither of you pulled away.

you looked at him. he looked at you.

and in that one, too-long second—your whole body went still.

he leaned in. just enough. slowly. like he was giving you time to stop it. your heart felt like it was trying to escape your ribcage.

you knew this was the line.

you knew you shouldn’t.

and still—your hand moved on its own, resting lightly on his knee.

that’s when he froze.

“if we do this,” he said, voice low, “everything changes.”

you swallowed. “i know.”

another beat.

“so, are we—”

you exhaled sharply. stood up. paced toward the door.

“we’re not doing this. we can’t”

he stayed on the couch, silent.

you didn’t turn back.

you didn’t see the way his expression crumpled just slightly.

you didn’t see how he watched the door long after it closed.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you were just on your way back from seol’s, high on caffeine and gossip, with a paper bag full of banana bread and a playlist queued for the walk upstairs. you didn’t expect to find him standing in front of your apartment door.

hoodie again. hands in pockets. that same boyish look that screamed, “i swear i’m trouble, but you’ll like it.”

“you forget your key?” you asked, unlocking your door.

“no,” he said. “just forgot what it felt like to be around you.”

“what?” you said, laughing awkwardly.

“that sounded better in my head,” he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck.

you tilted your head. “why are you here, haechan?”

he didn’t answer right away.

just looked at you like he was trying to memorize your face before doing something stupid.

“i think i’ve been trying to find excuses to see you,” he said.

you went quiet.

he stepped a little closer.

“i think i’ve been trying to forget you, too,” you whispered.

he stopped.

“and how’s that going?”

“terribly.”

he smiled—not the usual cocky, smug one. this was smaller. sadder. almost hopeful.

“can i come in?” he asked.

you didn’t trust yourself to answer with words.

so you opened the door.

and he followed.

you didn’t even turn the lights on—just tossed your bag on the counter and leaned against it, heart hammering like it knew what was coming.

haechan stood in your kitchen like he’d done it a thousand times.

“you want tea?” you asked, trying to buy yourself time. sanity.

“only if you’re making it shirtless.”

“you’re unbelievable.”

“you say that like it’s new information.”

you rolled your eyes. “you want tea or not?”

“nah,” he said softly, walking up behind you. “right now, i only want… you.”

your breath caught.

you turned around slowly. he was too close. too warm. too everything.

his hand lifted—not to grab or pull or take—just to tuck a stray piece of hair behind your ear.

“if we do this,” you said, barely audible, “we can’t pretend anymore.”

he nodded. “i’m tired of pretending.”

“we said we shouldn’t.”

“we also said we wouldn’t.”

you paused. “but right now?”

“we couldn’t not.”

that was all it took.

your mouths met halfway. desperate. months of lingering glances and almost-kisses finally unraveling like thread. your hands tangled in his hoodie. his fingers dug into your waist like he’d die if he let go.

it wasn’t graceful. it wasn’t planned.

but it was real.

too real.

somewhere between the kisses and the way he whispered your name like it hurt, your brain screamed that this is a mistake.

but your body? your heart?

they didn’t care.

on your couch, beneath the dim kitchen light, you let him see the version of you you’d kept guarded. and in return, he gave you the one he never let anyone else hold.

when it was over—when your breathing slowed and the silence returned—he traced lazy circles on your bare shoulder and murmured,

“i don’t want to go back to pretending.”

you didn’t say anything.

you didn’t need to.

because you were already too far in.

and somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew.

this was the beginning of something you wouldn’t be able to walk away from.

couldn’t

“you couldn’t DTR, wouldn’t it be nice if we could stay friends?”

you woke up to the sound of the kettle whistling.

for a second, you thought you were dreaming. your place was never that quiet in the morning—usually it was just the hum of your phone alarm and the silent screaming of your soul.

but this time?

there was someone in your kitchen.

and he was humming.

you sat up slowly, hair a mess, shirt barely clinging to your shoulder. it smelled like him. which was unfair. because now you couldn’t even wear your own clothes without remembering last night.

you padded out to the kitchen, barefoot and sleepy-eyed, only to find haechan pouring hot water into two mugs.

he turned at the sound of your yawn, grinning.

“morning to you too,” he said, sliding one of the mugs across the counter. “tea. not made shirtless. sorry to disappoint.”

“wow, you made me tea?”

“i did,” he said. “don’t worry, i didn’t poison it. i only do that on the third hookup.”

you snorted, reluctantly smiling. “so this is a hookup?”

he paused.

the room felt too still.

“i mean,” he started, “unless you’d prefer we call it a… spiritual bonding ritual or something.”

you gave him a look.

“kidding,” he said quickly. “honestly? i don’t know. i just… i wanted to make you tea. that’s all.”

you sipped it. still warm. still slightly sweet.

“you’re weird,” you muttered.

he leaned against the counter, watching you.

“and you kissed me back.”

“well, you kissed me first.”

“you moaned.”

“you’re lucky i didn’t bite.”

“..you did bite.”

you choked on your tea.

he laughed.

god, why did he always laugh like that? like it came from somewhere deep in his chest. like he wasn’t scared of anything.

but you were.

scared of this. of him. of how this already felt like something you couldn’t name without ruining it.

“you’re still here,” you said quietly, setting your mug down.

he tilted his head.

“did you think i’d leave?”

you shrugged.

he didn’t say anything. just stepped forward, gently taking your hand in his.

“i meant it,” he said. “last night. i don’t wanna pretend anymore.”

you swallowed hard. “and what exactly are we doing?”

he didn’t answer right away.

instead, he pressed a kiss to the back of your hand.

then your wrist.

then your shoulder.

your breath hitched.

“i don’t know,” he whispered. “but i do know i’m not ready to stop.”

and neither were you.

so when he kissed you again—slow, soft, full of unspoken things—you kissed him back.

not because it was a good idea.

not because it would end well.

but because you couldn’t resist.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

the second time it happened was thursday.

because, of course, it had to be thursday.

thursday was supposed to be uneventful. boring. uneventful-boring-thursday. but then he showed up at your door again, hoodie down, smile up, eyes bright like he knew you were going to let him in.

you didn’t even ask why. just stepped aside and said, “you know the drill. shoes off.”

he toed them off dramatically and flopped onto your couch like he paid rent.

“you’re lucky you’re cute,” he said.

“you’re lucky i’m lonely.”

he clutched his chest. “ouch. right in the fragile male ego.”

“you have an ego?”

“only when you’re around.”

he had a way of saying things that sounded like jokes but felt like truths. you hated how easily you blushed. how fast your heartbeat got when he looked at you like that.

“i brought chips,” he said, pulling out a bag from his hoodie like it was contraband. “and the ramen you like.”

you narrowed your eyes. “are you trying to seduce me with carbs?”

“is it working?”

“...yes.”

and just like that, thursday was ruined.

or maybe, saved.

because the next thing you knew, he was in your kitchen again—badly boiling noodles and dramatically sneezing from the spice, and you were sitting on the counter, swinging your legs like a teenager with a crush.

you weren’t dating.

but you weren’t just friends.

you were something in-between, something unnamed, something filled with stupid inside jokes and unsaid feelings and late-night cravings that weren’t just about ramen.

after dinner, he sat a little too close. your knees touched. your pinkies brushed. he let his hand rest on your thigh and didn’t move it.

he kissed you again—slow, teasing, like he had all the time in the world.

you didn’t talk much that night.

you didn’t have to.

you both lay there in your bed, barely under the covers, silence pressing between you like a second body.

“do you want to sleep over?” you asked, almost too quietly.

he blinked. “i mean… yeah. if that’s okay?”

you nodded.

and he stayed.

after that, it just became a thing.

he’d show up.

sometimes with food. sometimes with excuses. sometimes with neither.

you stopped asking why.

he’d tease you when you wore his shirt around the apartment, and you’d throw a pillow at him when he called you “cutie with commitment issues.”

“takes one to know one,” you always shot back.

“i’m not one for titles, in other words, terrified. that p*ssy kept my words out the door”

you didn’t talk about what you were doing. you didn’t make rules. but there were rules.

1. no sleepovers unless it “just happened.”

2. no texting first (but replying fast enough so it didn’t look like you cared too much).

3. no kissing in public.

4. no getting caught.

and the most important one: no feelings. ever. not even a little.

but feelings were slippery.

feelings showed up when you watched him fall asleep on your couch, curled up like a cat.

feelings showed up when he brought you cough drops and orange juice the second you said, “i feel kinda off today.”

feelings showed up when he danced with you in your tiny living room to a dumb commercial jingle and said, “see? we’d win ‘so you think you can dance: emotionally unavailable edition.’”

you laughed, but your heart skipped.

because deep down, you knew:

you weren’t emotionally unavailable.

you were just emotionally terrified.

you told yourself this was fine.

you weren’t one for titles, anyway.

but one night—a random wednesday—you caught yourself staring at him for too long.

watching him fold your laundry like it was normal. like he belonged here.

and it hit you.

you’d memorized him.

his dumb jokes.

his bad habits.

the way he’d shut down when he needed you the most.

you knew him better than you were supposed to.

and worse?

you didn’t want anyone else to.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

one night, while he was getting dressed after—hoodie half on, hair messy, lips still swollen from kissing—he paused in your doorway.

“you ever think about what we’re doing?”

you blinked. “what do you mean?”

he shrugged. “i dunno. like… do you ever wish it was more?”

your chest tightened.

“haechan…”

“i’m not saying we should,” he said quickly, waving his hands. “i’m just saying… wouldn’t it be nice?”

your silence was the only answer he needed.

he left a few minutes later, same as always.

but something had shifted.

something you didn’t have the words for yet.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you shouldn’t have gone.

you knew it the second you stepped into the apartment.

because there he was. already wearing that stupid smug smile. already making himself way too comfortable on jaemin’s beanbag like he wasn’t half the reason your knees were still sore.

“look who decided to show up,” haechan said, raising his brows.

you kept your expression neutral. “someone had to make this room attractive.”

“and that someone’s obviously me,” he shot back.

jeno raised a brow. “you two flirting or fighting?”

you both answered at the same time.

“fighting.”

“flirting.”

everyone groaned.

“we get it,” renjun muttered. “sexual tension. unresolved. like literally every drama. can we watch the movie now?”

you sat as far away from him as possible. on the floor. next to seol, who immediately gave you a look.

“you good?” she whispered.

you nodded. liar.

she leaned closer. “you sure you’re not sleeping with him?”

you blinked innocently. “who?”

“don’t ‘who’ me. that look he gave you just now? that was either i’ve seen you naked or i plan to very soon.”

“seol, shut up,” you whispered, face heating.

across the room, haechan was very obviously not watching the movie. his eyes kept flickering to you.

he stretched lazily, arm brushing jeno’s shoulder.

“this movie’s mid,” he announced.

“you were the one who suggested it,” jaemin said.

“yeah, and now i regret it.”

you were trying so hard to focus on the screen. but you could feel him watching you. every glance burned. your fingers twitched.

seol’s eyes narrowed. “girl, your ears are turning red.”

“i’m fine,” you hissed.

haechan got up a few minutes later. “bathroom,” he muttered. but the second he passed behind you, his hand ghosted over your back. quick. featherlight. like he just had to touch you.

your breath caught.

seol glanced between you two.

“…nope. they’re definitely f—”

“back in a sec!” you blurted, hopping up and heading toward the hallway like your life depended on it.

it kind of did.

he was waiting.

not in the bathroom.

but leaning against the wall in the hallway, arms crossed, like he knew you’d follow.

“you know,” he said, voice low. “we could’ve just stayed home.”

“we’re being normal,” you said, avoiding his gaze.

he stepped closer.

“this isn’t normal,” he murmured.

“we’re trying to be.”

“trying isn’t succeeding.”

you were breathing too fast.

he moved again, backing you up against the wall.

“they’re literally in the other room,” you whispered.

“you think i care?” he said, smiling like the devil himself. “you looked at me like you wanted me to care.”

your eyes fluttered shut. “this is a bad idea.”

“so was the first time. and the second. and the fifth. but you keep kissing me anyway.”

you swallowed hard.

“you said we wouldn’t do this again.”

“you said that,” he said, closing the gap between you. “i never agreed.”

and then he kissed you.

like the world didn’t exist outside that hallway.

like every “we shouldn’t” was just foreplay for “we will anyway.”

his hands were under your hoodie. your fingers were tangled in his hair. the sound of the movie barely reached you—the real noise was the one in your chest, that loud, crashing ache of god, i want you, but god, i shouldn’t

his hand brushed against your hip, a deliberate, teasing touch that sent a shiver down your spine. you bit your lip, pulse quickening as you fought the urge to press yourself against him.

the sound of laughter from the living room seemed to fade into the background, drowned out by the pounding of your heart. you knew you were playing with fire, but the risk only added to the allure. you tilted your head, meeting his gaze.

"you know," you said, voice barely above a whisper,

"we're not exactly being subtle."

he smirked, his confidence unwavering.

"who said we need to be?" his fingers traced the edge of your hoodie, his touch light but deliberate. "they’re too busy with their own drama to notice us." his words were a challenge, a dare you couldn't resist.

your resolve wavered as his hand slid up your side, his thumb grazing the sensitive skin just below your ribcage. you leaned into him, body responding to his touch with a mind of its own.

"and if they do?" you teased, voice trembling slightly.

"then they'll see what they've been missing," he replied, his tone daring.

before you could respond, he cupped your jaw, pulling you closer. his lips brushed against yours, a fleeting touch that left you breathless. the kiss was soft, almost tentative, but it ignited a fire within you that you couldn't ignore.

you wrapped your arms around his neck, pressing yourself against him as the kiss deepened. his hands moved to your waist, pulling you tighter until there was no space between you.

the hallway seemed to shrink around you, the world narrowing to just the two of you and the heat of your desire. you moaned softly into his mouth, fingers tangling in his hair as you surrendered to the moment.

his hands moved lower, sliding over your hips and down to your thighs. he lifted you effortlessly, pressing you against the wall as he kissed you with a hunger that left no doubt about his intentions.

you wrapped your legs around his waist, your heart racing as you felt the hardness of his body against yours. the thrill of being so close to getting caught only heightened the sensation, the risk adding an edge to your passion.

then jeno’s voice rang down the hallway. “bro, what’s taking you so long? are you pooping or—”

you broke the kiss, breathing like you’d just run a marathon.

“back in a sec!” he yelled, way too cheerful.

you pulled away from him, fixed your hoodie, hair a mess, face hot, and mouth swollen.

he winked at you. “so… movie?”

you glared. “i hate you.”

he grinned. “you couldn’t.”

and you didn’t deny it.

“i could take more shots or i could take you off your blouse”

the party was already a mistake.

not because it was boring—but because the second you walked in and locked eyes with him from across the room, everything else just turned into background noise.

haechan was already leaning against the kitchen counter, red cup in hand, loose black shirt and smug grin fully deployed.

you hated how he looked at you like he had a secret.

you hated it more because you were the secret.

you didn’t approach him.

you did what any self-respecting person would do.

you mingled, you laughed at renjun’s sarcastic commentary, you complimented someone’s fake fur jacket. and you ignored the way your skin buzzed under his stare.

seol noticed first.

“he hasn’t stopped staring at you,” she muttered over the music, sipping something suspiciously green.

“he’s looking at the chips behind me.”

“right. and i’m looking at the dip.”

you rolled your eyes, but when you turned around, he was gone.

haechan had disappeared.

and somehow, that made it worse.

because now you were aware of him—like heat at your back, like footsteps you couldn’t hear yet. like a ghost you definitely had unfinished business with.

you wandered down the hall, claiming you were looking for the bathroom.

you weren’t.

you knew exactly where you were going.

and there he was.

in one of the empty rooms, door cracked open just enough for you to catch a glimpse of him sitting on the desk, legs swinging, cup still in hand.

he didn’t look surprised.

he just tilted his head.

“looking for something?” he asked.

you stepped in and closed the door behind you. and locked it.

“you left without saying hi.”

“well, you seemed occupied.. pretending not to know me,” he said, voice amused.

you crossed your arms. “we said no hooking up at parties.”

“we also said no feelings,” he replied. “and yet here we are.”

“this is different.”

“is it?” he slid off the desk, walking slowly toward you. “or are we just really bad at rules?”

your breath caught when he reached you.

“don’t look at me like that,” you whispered.

“like what?”

“like you’re gonna do something reckless.”

he leaned in. “define reckless.”

you didn’t answer.

your lips already did.

the kiss was hot and desperate, all the tension from earlier spilling over. his hands were on your waist, yours fisting in his shirt like you needed to anchor yourself.

he lifted you onto the desk like you weighed nothing. like he needed you closer. like he didn’t care who walked in.

“someone could come in,” you mumbled against his mouth.

“door’s locked.”

“people are literally outside.”

he grinned. “guess we’ll be quiet, then.”

your laugh was breathless. “you are never quiet.”

“watch me,” he whispered, and kissed you again.

it was fast. messy. intense. the kind of kiss that made your knees weak and your heart angry with you. because you knew better.

but you didn’t want to do better.

you hadn’t even had a drink.

you didn’t need one.

he was already intoxicating.

“this is so bad,” you moaned,

“the worst,” he agreed. “we’re going to hell.”

“we said we’d stop.”

“we say a lot of things.”

“and what are we gonna say after this?”

he met your eyes.

and for once, he didn’t joke.

“nothing,” he said. “we don’t have to say anything. we never do.”

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you were at his place.

again.

for “homework.”

because apparently, two people who have the self-control of soggy toast thought they could survive a full hour of proximity without pouncing on each other.

“seriously,” you said, dropping your bag on his bed. “we’re gonna study. like, for real. no distractions.”

haechan raised both hands in fake surrender. “no distractions. i swear.”

you narrowed your eyes.

“no weird comments. no staring. no—”

“sexually suggestive jokes? i would never.”

“haechan.”

he smiled, all teeth. “fine. serious face. hit me with the notes.”

ten minutes in, he was already failing.

you were mid-sentence, reading off your notes, when you noticed it.

he was staring at your lips.

you didn’t look up. “stop it.”

“stop what?” he said, all fake innocence.

“you’re doing that thing where you pretend to listen but you’re actually thinking about making out with me.”

“no i’m not,” he said. “i’m thinking about undressing you with my teeth.”

you dropped your pen. “jesus christ—“

“what?” he laughed, leaning back against the wall. “you said no weird comments, not no honest ones.”

“you’re impossible.”

“and yet, here you are.”

you glared. “this is why we can’t do normal things. like sit. and study. and exist without humping.”

“not my fault you look hot when you’re focused.”

you turned to him, exasperated. “you promised.”

“i promised nothing. you said, ‘let’s study,’ and i nodded while imagining you in nothing but a t-shirt.”

you stood. “i’m going home.”

“no, you’re not.”

“watch me.”

“you say that every time, but then—” he stood too, walking toward you like you were prey and he was seconds from pouncing—“you remember how good we are at not studying.”

“we said we wouldn’t do this again.”

he paused in front of you. close. too close.

you hated that you were already leaning in.

“we shouldn’t do this again,” you corrected.

“yet, we couldn’t not,” he whispered, brushing his fingers down your arm.

you stared at him.

this was supposed to be simple.

but now, he was looking at you like you were the only thing in the world that made sense, and your heart was doing that thing again, that stupid, fluttery, traitorous thing—

you grabbed his face and kissed him.

and he laughed into it, breath hitching, like he’d known you’d give in.

like he’d always know.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you woke up tangled in his sheets.

his arm slung over your waist. his face buried in your neck. your phone buzzing somewhere beneath your discarded jeans with three missed calls from seol

seolace: u said “just homework”

seolace: be so serious rn

seolace: r u . still . at his place .

you threw your phone under the pillow and turned to face him.

he was awake.

“hi, baby” he mumbled, voice scratchy.

“we’re not doing this again.” you said—ignoring the tiny somersault your stomach just did

he smirked, eyes still closed. “totally.”

“i’m serious.”

“mhmm.”

you sighed, brushing a strand of hair off his face.

you both knew you were lying.

but for now?

you didn’t care.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

you were up late, preparing for midterms, when your phone suddenly buzzed next to you.

DNI!!: hey, are u up?

DNI!!: not in a ‘come over’ way

DNI!!: okay. maybe in a ‘can i come over’ way

DNI!!: but also.. i brought food

you: if it’s just fries again i’m blocking u

DNI!!: c’monnn babee it’s fries AND ice cream

DNI!!: pleeaaasseee )): u know u love me

DNI!!: fries* 😊

you opened your door three minutes later in mismatched socks and a shirt that—may or may not—have been his.

he looked at you like you were ridiculous.

you rolled your eyes, tossing him a napkin. he didn’t sit on the floor this time—instead, he plopped onto your bed like he lived there. like it was normal. like this whole setup was normal.

“you look tired,” he said through a mouthful of fries.

“midterms,” you replied.

he frowned. “are you okay?”

you nodded. “just a little burnt out.”

he reached over, brushing his thumb across your cheek like it was nothing. like it was the most natural thing in the world.

“you should rest more,” he said, soft.

you blinked.

haechan wasn’t… sweet. not like this.

he was chaotic. loud. reckless. he made fun of you for having a notes app titled ‘reasons not to text him.’

he wasn't supposed to care.

you cleared your throat. “you’re being weird.. again.”

“no i’m not.” he looks at you confused.

“you’re being like… thoughtful.”

he rolled his eyes, shoving a donut in front of your mouth. “fine. next time i’ll throw fries at your face instead.”

you smiled, biting into the donut. “thank you.”

he shrugged. “don’t mention it.”

but he stayed. longer than he usually did.

you watched a dumb movie. you argued about which side of the blanket was yours. he dozed off halfway through with his head on your shoulder, arm slung across your stomach like it belonged there.

you didn’t move.

you just stared at the ceiling, heartbeat doing laps in your chest.

this wasn’t just casual anymore.

you both knew it.

and when he stirred in the early morning light, blinking up at you with sleep in his eyes and a softness in his voice that made your throat ache—

“do you want me to go?”

you almost said no.

but you smiled instead. like always.

“probably.”

he nodded.

but he didn’t move.

“it’s not anything you said, it’s everything you didn’t”

it was raining.

not the dramatic, movie-style kind—just a steady, quiet drizzle tapping against your window as the afternoon faded into blue.

you hadn’t planned to see him.

he hadn’t planned to show up.

but at some point in the day, you’d both ended up in your bed again, sharing your last bag of popcorn and making sarcastic commentary over a romcom neither of you were really watching.

you were lying on your stomach. he was on his back beside you, fingers lazily scrolling through his phone, feet nudging yours every few minutes like a bored child.

“how is it,” he said suddenly, “that you always smell like vanilla and bad decisions?”

you kicked his leg. “how is it that you always sound like a red flag wrapped in a hoodie?”

“it’s a gift.”

you laughed, eyes fluttering shut.

he was quiet for a moment.

“i like this.”

you peeked at him. “the movie?”

“no. this,” he said, waving vaguely at the space between you. “us. being here. it’s... nice.”

you tried to play it off. “don’t get sappy on me now. i will physically throw you out.”

he smiled, soft and slow. “i mean it.”

you looked away, heart thudding in your chest in a way that was not normal. definitely not casual. it was the kind of thud that reminded you that this whole thing—whatever it was—had gotten far out of hand.

“you’ve been acting unusual lately,” you said.

“you always say that when i’m not trying to get in your pants.”

“because… it freaks me out.”

“good. fear keeps things spicy.”

you scoffed.

then, silence.

not uncomfortable. just… full.

full of things neither of you were ready to say.

finally, you broke it.

“you ever think about how we shouldn’t have started this?”

he didn’t look at you.

but he nodded.

“yeah,” he said. “all the time.”

you turned to face him.

“do you regret it?”

he glanced at you then, eyes unreadable.

“no,” he said. “but sometimes i wish it didn’t feel like this.”

“like what?”

“like… if we keep going, one of us is gonna get hurt.”

you swallowed hard.

you knew he was right.

you also knew you weren’t ready to stop.

you reached over and touched his hand—just barely, just enough—and whispered, “stay. just for a bit.”

he did.

no touching. no kissing. no jokes.

just you, him, and the rain outside.

and all the things you still weren’t saying.

“you go and shut me out, figures, you gemini”

it had been one of those nights—the kind where the weight of the world seemed to settle on your shoulders, and the only remedy was to dull the edges with a bottle and a bad rom-com.

but just as you were about to surrender to sleep, the sharp buzz of the doorbell jolted you back to reality.

you groaned, setting the glass down with a thud. who the hell would be at your door at this hour? you weren’t expecting anyone, and the only person who ever showed up unannounced was him.

and the thought alone made your stomach twist. you hesitated, debating whether to ignore it, but curiosity—or maybe something more stubborn—got the better of you. you dragged yourself to the door, flipping on the hallway light as you went.

there he stood, leaning against the frame with that infuriating smirk plastered across his face. his hair was tousled, like he’d run his hands through it a dozen times, and his shirt was half-tucked, as if he’d thrown it on in a rush.

“forgot my charger,” he said, his voice low and casual, like this was the most normal thing in the world.

you crossed your arms, narrowing your eyes. “at midnight? really?”

he shrugged, that smirk widening. “figured you’d be up. you’re always up this late.”

you wanted to slam the door in his face. but instead, you stepped aside, gesturing for him to come in.

“it’s in the living room. take it and go.”

he didn’t move. just stood there, his gaze locking onto yours, and for a moment, the air between you crackled with something unspoken.

you knew you should’ve pushed him out, should’ve kept your distance, but before you could think, you were closing the gap between you, your lips crashing against his. it was reckless, impulsive, and entirely against your better judgment. but it was also familiar—too familiar.

he didn’t hesitate, his arms wrapping around you like he’d been waiting for this moment all along.

stumbling backward toward the bedroom, the world narrowing to just the two of you. clothes were discarded, excuses and self-control unraveling like cheap thread.

you didn’t want to think about why this was happening again, why you kept letting it happen. you just wanted to feel something—anything—other than the emptiness that had been gnawing at you all night.

“i hate you,” you whispered against his mouth, your breath hot and uneven.

he chuckled, his hands sliding under your shirt, tracing the curve of your waist. “you love me,” he murmured, his tone teasing but his touch anything but.

you didn’t correct him. you didn’t say anything. instead, you let yourself get lost in him again—in the way his lips moved against yours, in the way his hands seemed to know every inch of your body.

it was the kind of kiss that made your head spin, the kind of touch that felt like it was trying to memorize you. the kind of closeness that always made you forget how much this wasn’t supposed to matter.

but then—right in the middle of it, when your heart was pounding and your skin was flushed and your mind was a blur of want—he spoke.

his voice was low, almost a whisper, but it cut through the haze like a knife.

“god, i think i’m in love with you.”

you froze. just for a second. but it was enough.

he didn’t notice. or maybe he did. but he didn’t stop. his lips kept moving against yours, his hands kept roaming, like the words hadn’t just dropped between you like a grenade with the pin pulled.

you let him kiss you again. let him touch you like nothing had happened. like the words hadn’t changed everything.

but they had.

later, when it was quiet and you were lying there in the dark, your back to his chest and his arm around your waist, you whispered, "did you mean what you said?"

he was quiet.

too quiet.

"haechan?"

he let out a soft exhale.

"no," he said. too quickly. too carefully. "i didn’t mean it."

you nodded.

but you didn’t believe him.

he didn’t believe himself either.

but neither of you said anything else.

and in the silence that followed, you both realized something terrifying.

this thing you swore wasn’t real?

it was starting to feel like the only real thing either of you had.

“you wonder why suddenly i’m comin’ off indifferent. what you don’t seem to understand is..”

the next time you saw him, it was as if nothing had happened.

you opened the door, and he was standing there in his stupid hoodie, holding a bag of chips and some sour gummies like that could fix whatever this was.

“snack delivery,” he said, way too cheerful.

you raised an eyebrow. “you don’t even like sour gummies.”

he grinned. “you do, though.”

and just like that, the air shifted.

you stepped aside and let him in.

you sat beside each other on your bed—a little farther apart than usual. the movie played. the snacks sat between you. and the silence was louder than the speakers.

“so,” he said eventually, “you seen that tiktok where—”

“haechan,” you interrupted, voice quiet.

he looked at you.

you didn’t even know what you wanted to say. only that something was caught in your throat and it was killing you not to ask.

but instead of saying “you told me you loved me” or “did you mean it” or “what are we doing,” you just said, “why are you acting this way.”

he blinked. “you’re the one who’s acting.. strange.”

“no, you are.”

“i literally brought you snacks.”

“yeah, you’re being fake nice.”

he frowned, leaning back on his hands. “you’re being fake mean.”

“and you’re being fake fine.”

and there it was.

silence again. thick. awful.

you sighed, “can we not do this?”

“do what?”

“this thing where we pretend we’re mad at each other so we don’t have to talk about last time.”

he bit the inside of his cheek.

you were right.

and you were mad. just not at him. not really.

you were mad at yourself. for letting it get this far. for letting it matter.

but what were you supposed to say? that you heard him say he loved you, and then heard him take it back? that you wanted it to be real, even though it shouldn’t be?

he reached for the bag of gummies and started eating like it would fill the silence.

you let him.

but you didn’t move closer this time.

and he didn’t either.

“it’s not always peachy, look, love ain’t that easy”

you hadn’t seen him in a week.

not because he hadn’t tried.

he had—three calls, four texts, one passive-aggressive meme, and a “u left ur hoodie btw” that you knew was just an excuse.

you didn’t reply.

you couldn’t.

because it wasn’t just about the hookup anymore. it hadn’t been for a while.

you were catching feelings, and he was pretending not to. and the truth was—you couldn’t keep pretending too.

so when he showed up again—hands in his pockets, chewing gum like this wasn’t the first time he’d stood outside your door with something to say and no idea how to say it—you almost didn’t open.

almost.

you cracked the door open.

“i don’t want to do this anymore,” you said.

no hello. no smile. just the truth.

he blinked. “okay. wow.”

you nodded, bracing yourself.

he looked away, jaw tight. “you could’ve at least answered.”

“what was i supposed to say?” your voice was low. “we were hooking up, and then you said you were in love with me—and then you acted like it didn’t matter.”

“you asked if i meant it,” he said. “what was i supposed to do?”

“you could’ve told the truth.”

he was silent.

and that said everything.

you swallowed. “you know what hurt more than hearing you didn’t mean it?”

he looked at you, eyes suddenly soft. guarded.

“what?” he said, barely above a whisper.

“you didn’t even ask how i felt.”

he opened his mouth. closed it again.

and that pause—that silence—said more than anything he could’ve.

you stepped aside. you weren’t sure why. some part of you still hoping, still stupid.

he walked in slowly, looking around like the place had changed. like you had.

you followed him into the living room. it felt smaller with him in it. heavier.

he sat on the edge of the couch but didn’t speak. just looked at you.

you crossed your arms. “don’t say it again.”

his brows knit. “say what?”

“what you said last time.”

he leaned forward, elbows on knees, hands clasped like he didn’t trust them. “why not?”

you shook your head, voice flat. “because it doesn’t change anything. because we both know this—” you gestured between the two of you, the tension, the mess. “this isn’t real.”

he was quiet for a moment. then, with more force than before, he said, “feels pretty real to me.”

you stared at him. hard. “you always make it feel real. you say things like that, and you look at me like this is everything. and i let it get to me. i let myself believe it means something.”

“maybe it does,” he said, standing. “maybe i mean it.”

you searched his face, hoping for something steady, something solid. but there was only more uncertainty. more wanting.

“then why does it still feel like i’m the only one who’ll get hurt?” you asked.

he didn’t answer.

not right away.

and maybe that was the answer.

“you couldn’t define the relationship,” you said, voice low and shaking now. “you couldn’t say what you wanted.”

he took a step forward.

you took one back.

“don’t,” you whispered.

“y/n—”

“we shouldn’t have started this,” you said. “and now i couldn’t stop even if i wanted to.”

his face softened. “then don’t stop.”

you almost laughed. almost.

but instead, you stepped back toward the door.

“you need to go,” you said, quiet but clear.

he didn’t fight you. just nodded slowly.

“fine,” he said. “but we’re not done talking about this.”

you didn’t reply. just opened the door and waited.

he paused for a second. then walked out.

you didn’t slam the door.

you just closed it gently.

finally.

then you leaned against it, your chest tight, your mind loud. you knew you’d made the right decision. you knew it was the only way to protect yourself.

but still, his words lingered in the silence like smoke.

and something in you knew that nothing would be quite the same again.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

renjun was telling some dumb story about how jaemin got kicked out of a 7/11 for trying to microwave his socks.

the group was cracking up. seol was doubled over. jeno had tears in his eyes. and haechan—haechan was laughing too, but his eyes kept flicking to you.

you didn’t laugh.

you smiled, sure. nodded. even chimed in once or twice. but your body was angled slightly away from him, arms crossed over your chest like a shield.

he noticed.

you noticed him noticing.

and seol definitely noticed both of you.

“what’s wrong with you two?” she asked suddenly, cutting through the noise like a knife.

you and haechan turned at the same time, startled. “what?”

“you’re acting weird,” she said, squinting. “like... not the funny, flirty weird. like actual weird.”

“we’re fine,” you said too quickly.

“yeah,” haechan added, forcing a laugh. “totally fine.”

the silence that followed was awkward enough to kill the entire room’s vibe.

jaemin blinked. “damn. now it’s weird for us, too.”

jeno cleared his throat. “anyone want more chips?”

you stood up. “i’ll help.”

haechan stood up too. “i got it.”

you both reached for the same bowl and your fingers brushed. it was nothing. a second. a spark. but it felt like being burned.

you flinched.

he did too.

and when your eyes met, it was like looking at a stranger wearing the face of someone you used to know too well.

“you good?” he asked quietly.

“mhm,” you lied.

he nodded like he believed you. like you were both pretending this didn’t hurt.

you took the chips and walked back to the others.

he stayed behind.

renjun watched him from the couch.

“not that deep, right?” renjun said casually, like a joke.

but it wasn’t.

and haechan didn’t answer.

because it was deep.

and it was drowning them.

“you don’t pick up when i call, unless i call you mine”

you don’t remember who called first.

it didn’t matter.

and then—quiet knocks. familiar eyes. the kind of silence that meant everything.

he stepped inside like he didn’t know what he was doing.

you let him in like you didn’t either.

no words. not at first.

you were both so tired of pretending. so tired of brushing shoulders in rooms full of people and pretending you didn’t notice how the distance hurt.

you kissed him.

and it wasn’t frantic this time.

it was careful.

like maybe, just maybe, if you kissed him gently enough, it wouldn’t break your heart.

his hands found your waist. yours tangled in his hair. the kind of kiss that tasted like forgiveness, or something dangerously close to it.

“you don’t have to say anything,” you whispered, breaking the kiss to breathe.

he shook his head slowly. “i want to.”

but he didn’t. not yet.

he touched you like it was the last time. like he wanted to remember everything. how your skin felt under his palms. how you sighed when he kissed down your jaw. how you looked at him when your guard finally dropped.

every movement was slow. like a secret unspoken. like you both knew this wasn’t just hooking up anymore, but neither of you wanted to say it out loud.

because saying it would make it real.

because if it was real, it could end.

he kissed every inch of you like he owed you an apology. like he wanted to say sorry for every moment you doubted him. for every night you stared at the ceiling, wondering what the hell you meant to him.

you looked up at him, breath catching. “haechan—”

“i meant it.”

your heart stopped.

“that night,” he said softly, pressing his forehead to yours. “when i said i was in love with you. i meant it.”

you blinked up at him, stunned. raw. silent.

“i just—” he exhaled. “i didn’t want it to be real. because if it was, then this... this thing we had? it couldn’t stay casual anymore.”

you swallowed. “and now?”

his voice cracked. “now it’s too real to ignore.”

you kissed him again. longer this time. deeper.

and when your bodies moved together, it was less about need and more about knowing.

knowing that this was never just lust.

that underneath the sneaking around, the laughs, the tension—there was always something more.

you both just tried so hard not to see it.

but now, in the dark, there was nothing to hide behind.

it wasn’t much, but it was enough. for now, it had to be.

the afternoon light spilled softly through the curtains, wrapping the room in a golden hush. you closed your eyes, breathing him in, letting the stillness wrap around you like a promise.

his heartbeat pulsed steady beneath your ear, a quiet rhythm that told you—he was here. this was real.

and yet, as the sun sank lower and shadows stretched long across the floor, a fragile ache bloomed in your chest. it felt too perfect, too fleeting.

his presence, his warmth, felt like something borrowed—something beautiful the world might decide you weren’t meant to keep. you wanted to ask him to stay. to whisper don’t go. but the words tangled behind your teeth.

so instead, you held him tighter. your fingers curled into the fabric of his shirt like they could root you to him, like you could stop time if you just loved him hard enough.

and he felt it—somehow, he always did. his hand found your cheek, tender and knowing, his thumb tracing soft, grounding circles on your skin.

“baby…” he said softly, the word brushing against your heart more than your ears. he tilted your chin up just enough for your eyes to meet his.

“it’s okay,” he whispered, voice thick with something unspoken. maybe he meant this moment. maybe he meant you. maybe he meant the both of you.

you didn’t know. but with his arms around you and the world held at bay, you wanted to believe it. even just for now.

it was quiet when it ended.

your head on his chest. his hand running slowly down your back. breaths slowly syncing. hearts still racing.

and for the first time, he didn’t leave.

and for the first time, you didn’t ask him to stay.

he just did.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

the morning light came too fast.

you woke up before he did. you didn’t know what time it was. you didn’t care.

he was still beside you—breathing slow, chest rising and falling like nothing was wrong.

but something was.

something always had been.

you stared at the ceiling for a long time. longer than you meant to.

you wanted to stay like this—in the warmth of the sheets, in the comfort of his arm still lazily thrown across your waist, in the silence that hadn’t turned heavy yet.

but the second he blinked awake and looked at you… it hit you again.

this wasn’t yours.

not really.

he smiled, groggy and soft. “morning.”

you nodded. “hey.”

he leaned in to kiss you. and you let him.

but your hands didn’t reach for him the way they used to.

“you okay?” he asked, voice thick with sleep.

you hesitated. “yeah. just tired.”

you got up. slipped into your shirt. searched the floor for the rest of your clothes.

“you don’t have to rush out,” he said behind you. you paused. “i know.”

he sat up, rubbing his eyes. “did i.. say something wrong?”

you shook your head. “no. that’s the problem.” he frowned.

“you didn’t say anything,” you continued, still not facing him. “you didn’t say what this was. what we were. you didn’t ask what i wanted. or tell me what you wanted.”

“and i kept waiting,” you said softly. “for you to define it. for you to say something. anything. and you never did.”

“i didn’t know how,” he admitted, voice barely above a whisper.

you finally turned around, arms crossed, heart exposed. “i know. and that’s okay. but i can’t keep doing this if we’re just gonna keep pretending it’s not something real.”

he looked at you, eyes searching. “but last night—”

“last night was real,” you said. “this morning... this is real too.”

“we’re not always peachy,” you said, echoing the words you both used to laugh at. “love isn’t that easy. but it also shouldn’t be this hard.”

he didn’t argue. instead, he nodded slowly. “i know.”

you slipped on your jacket. picked up your phone. opened the door.

you hesitated—one foot out the door, heart still inside.

and just like that—the door closed.

this time, for good.

“i drank too much tonight, to not try to call you up. i mean, that’s what our phones are for”

you didn’t mean to pour the second glass. or the third.

but it was quiet in the apartment—too quiet—and the clink of ice in the glass felt like the only sound that wouldn’t make you flinch.

you sat on the kitchen floor, back against the cabinet, knees pulled in, sipping something too strong just to feel something soft. it burned going down. not enough to hurt, just enough to remind you you were still here.

the playlist was still playing. his playlist.

you hadn’t touched it in months. maybe you thought deleting it would be too final, too much like deleting him. so it stayed, buried somewhere in your phone. and tonight, it just… started. autoplay, maybe. or fate.

you weren’t sure which hurt more. you laughed once, sharp and bitter, as the first tear slid down. you didn’t wipe it. what was the point?

because this wasn’t about missing him anymore. this was grief. not over him exactly, but over the version of you who once believed love—real, chaotic, aching love—could fix things.

you were wrong.

and he… was quiet now. no more late-night texts. no more inside jokes. no more “u up?” that really meant i miss you.

and he was wrong too.

haechan sat on the steps, a half-empty bottle dangling from his fingers, the night wind brushing over him like a ghost. he didn’t know what time it was. didn’t care.

he hadn’t called. hadn’t texted.

not because he didn’t think about it—he did. every night. especially tonight.

but because he knew you meant it this time. you were done.

and for once, he didn’t fight that. he let the silence stretch. he let it break him.

he tipped the bottle back and swallowed hard. it didn’t make the ache go away, just blurred it at the edges.

your name sat heavy on his tongue. your laugh echoed somewhere between his ears and his ribs.

he remembered the way you used to pull away after, like you were protecting yourself from wanting too much. but your eyes always lingered. you always looked back.

he closed his eyes. and quietly, like confessing something to the dark, he said, “i’m sorry.”

no one answered. but maybe somewhere, over the hum of that old playlist and the clink of your glass hitting the tile, you heard it anyway.

wouldn’t

“so,” seol said gently, handing you a mug of tea, “you wanna tell me what happened now, or do i have to sit here pretending i haven’t been waiting weeks for you to say something?”

you stared down at the steam. then, slowly, “we ended things.” she didn’t flinch. didn’t gasp. didn’t say finally like most people would’ve. just nodded.

“it wasn’t supposed to happen, you know? like… we weren’t even friends. we were just messing around. and i knew—god, i knew it wasn’t a good idea. i knew we shouldn’t.”

she hummed, sipping her tea. “but?” “but we did,” you whispered, bitterly. “because we couldn’t not.” seol reached over and squeezed your wrist gently.

“and he told me he loved me,” you said, voice barely audible now. “and he took it back. like it was something to be ashamed of.”

“i don’t think he meant to hurt me. i think he’s just scared. i think he’s used to everything being temporary. and i let that be enough for a while. i let it be enough that he stayed.” your laugh was dry. empty.

“but it wasn’t. because i kept waiting for something—anything—to make me feel like i was actually his. and he never gave me that. he never said it. and it’s not even the words i needed, it’s the fact that he didn’t try.”

she looked at you. “what would’ve made you stay?” you smiled, a little sad. “if i had his heart. that’s it. if i really had it, it wouldn’t have been this hard.” she set her tea down and pulled you into a hug. you let yourself fall into it, finally soft, finally tired, finally allowing yourself to feel the weight of it all.

“i loved him, seol,” you whispered into her shoulder. “i really did.”

“i know,” she whispered back. “and i’m proud of you for walking away anyway.” you nodded, blinking up at the ceiling like maybe it’d have answers. it didn’t. but she was right.

you walked away. and that had to count for something.

“you know i was never good at this,” haechan said, toeing the leg of the coffee table with his socked foot.

they were at jaemin’s place, eating stale pizza and drinking flat soda, because of course haechan only decided to talk about it at 1 a.m.

jaemin leaned back against the couch. “so, are you gonna tell me what happened with y/n or am i supposed to guess from your playlist getting weirdly depressing lately?”

haechan looked away, his jaw clenching. “we haven’t talked since… since that morning.” “the morning she walked out?” “yeah.”

jaemin didn’t say anything, letting the silence settle.

haechan sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “i didn’t know how to tell her i loved her. i know that sounds stupid. i mean—i’ve said it before, to other people. but with her? it was different.”

“different how?”

haechan let out a low laugh. “like if i said it and she said it back, that meant i’d have to stop running from it. like it’d be real. and that scared the shit out of me.”

“but you did love her,” jaemin said. not a question. “yeah,” haechan said, eyes somewhere far. “like, all the little things. the way she acted like she didn’t care but would always bring an extra charger for me just in case. the way she’d make fun of me for being a gemini and still sleep in my shirt.”

jaemin snorted. “you are the most gemini person i’ve ever met.”

“don’t remind me.”

“so what happened?”

haechan leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “i didn’t give her what she needed. i kept making her guess. kept dodging the questions. like, every time she asked what are we, i answered with a joke or a kiss or a let’s not ruin this.”

he shook his head, voice quieter now. “she deserved more than that. she deserved more than… more than someone who couldn’t DTR.”

jaemin’s brows furrowed. “DTR?” “define the relationship.” jaemin blinked. “oh god, you really couldn’t even say it.”

haechan laughed, almost bitterly. “i know. and now she’s gone.” he fell silent again. the tv played something neither of them were watching.

“do you miss her?” jaemin asked after a while. “every day,” haechan said without hesitation. “but it wouldn’t be fair to go back. not if i still don’t know how to be what she needs.”

“so that’s it?” “yeah.” he looked up at jaemin with a soft, crooked smile. jaemin didn’t say anything. just leaned forward and nudged him lightly with his shoulder.

“you know,” jaemin said eventually, “you might not have said the right things. but you felt them. and that counts for something.” haechan swallowed hard. “yeah. just not enough.”

and for once, he didn’t try to joke it off. he just sat with it. with the ache of losing someone who had all of him—even the parts he never figured out how to give.

“wouldn’t it be nice if we could stay friends? but we shouldn’t.”

you were out on a tuesday.

one of those forgettable ones—no rain, no heartbreak, just a coffee run like any other.

until it wasn’t.

he looked the same. maybe a little older. hair longer. hoodie too familiar.

standing in line like he hadn’t once memorized your order.

like he hadn’t once whispered stupid jokes into your neck at 3 a.m.

he didn’t see you at first. too busy scrolling. you could’ve left. you almost did.

but something in you—that soft, reckless part—waited.

and then he looked up.

three people between you. two quiet months apart. his eyes widened, just barely.

fingers froze mid-scroll. and for a second, the silence between you felt louder than it ever had when you were together.

he didn’t smile. didn’t say hi. didn’t step forward. and neither did you.

and now, he just looked at you like a memory that still stung.

you were first to look away.

and when the bell above the coffee shop door chimed behind you, you knew—

you shouldn’t. you couldn’t. and now, you wouldn’t.

──── ☀︎ ──── ☀︎ ──── ☀︎ ────

💌: if you made it all the way here, thank you sooo much for taking the time to read this fic!! 🥹 i seriously can’t believe how much love my little stories have gotten so far—i mostly just write when a random idea smacks me in the face, so seeing people actually enjoy them?? unreal 💞

i wasn’t expecting to finish this one so quickly, but.. i may or may not have been thinking a lot—maybe too much—about a past relationship lately, i guessss that’s why this poured out of me so fast 😬

this is also the longest fic i’ve written yet! honestly, shouldn’t and wouldn’t were meant to be even longer, but guess who didn’t know tumblr has a 1000 text box limit 🫠 had to chop them down a lot ): still, i really really hope you had fun reading!!

p.s. please—don’t you dare settle for someone who won’t define the relationship. you deserve so much better 😤🫶

thanks again for all the support, and feel free to come scream about fic stuff or just say hi anytime 🧸 ‘til next time !! xx

[osamucide]

⊹ FOR SURE

RELATIVELY STABLE AND TENTATIVELY ABLE TO SAY FOR CERTAIN WHETHER THIS UNCERTAINTY IS FOR SURE . . . ft. Osamu Dazai

wc: 2k

cw: sad and probably ooc dazai but he’s my husband so i actually know how he falls apart, pretty straightforward references to anxiety+dissociation, references to self harm+suicidal ideation but nothing graphic, angst+hurt/comfort, dazai cries and then you feed him that's all

reid: a little spur of the moment something i started when i wasn’t feeling so hot a bit ago. ethel cain’s cover of this song has altered the course of my life anyway enjoy me projecting

⊹ ⊹ ⊹

He was quiet when he got home, which is uncharacteristic, unless he’s scheming. But there was no glint in his eyes and no menace behind his grin, only exhaustion. What’s more is there was no downcast expression, no particularly sluggish movement to suggest he was upset; granted, he would regularly go on performing his usual persona even if he was upset. He was always all moving puzzle pieces, all thick mask and mystery.

It’s a good thing you’ve learned to read him so plainly.

You owe it to the little shared space you’re in, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, reading a book of his as he shakes his coat off and tosses it across the small dining table with two chairs side-by-side at it instead of across from one another. Dazai usually hangs his coat up on the rack by the door, slips his shoes off mindlessly and comes to flop his entire body weight on top of you, but tonight he pulls his laces undone and leaves his shoes tucked neatly against the wall, walks by the back of the couch to press a ghostly kiss to the crown of your head, and heads straight to the bathroom, which he locks himself in.

You swallow as you hear the shower start. You had specifically picked out an apartment with a standing shower, no tub, when you moved in with him. You’d emptied it of razors a handful of times and you probably would a handful of times more, and you kept all of both of your medication in your bedside table. Still, you can no longer quite focus on the words in front of you.

So, you flick the television on. A little more noise in your brain helps tune out the shower that’s just that—a shower. He showers, most often, because he’s feeling strange and not because he needs to feel clean. Maybe he needs to feel clean, but not in a way that a shower will allow. He does it anyway. You wait.

When the water turns off and he doesn’t immediately bounce out of the bathroom with a towel around his waist, singsonging which leftovers you should heat up for him, you turn the TV volume down a few notches. When it’s been five minutes or so, you find yourself in the kitchen putting day-old bibimbap in the microwave. When it’s been ten, you’re knocking on the door.

"Osamu?" Your voice is soft as your knock. "I waited for you to eat." Dirty trick, you know. But you also know he won’t otherwise; not on a night like this.

You hear a bit of shuffling before the bathroom door creaks open. His eyes are red, his nose flushed, and he’s rubbing his face with the corner of his towel like he’s just awoken from a nap. He’s got no bandages on. He nearly whispers, "You didn’t have to."

"Wanted to." You work the towel from his hands as he turns the light off. He’ll hide behind the darkness if nothing else, but it’s alright; you’ll let him. You pat water from his shoulders before you sling the towel around him like a cape. You whisper back, "I’ll get you clothes. Please get silverware, yes?"

You don’t give him much of a choice, but he’s in a state where he’s pliant enough to listen to corporeal orders. Getting silverware will be a marginally easier task than dressing for him right now.

After pulling a sweatshirt and pair of pajama pants out of your drawers—they’re his, or maybe yours, doesn’t really matter; what does matter is they cover as much skin as possible—you return to him on the couch, two bowls of cooling bibimbap with chopsticks stuck in them on coffee table. He’s got as much of his bare body under the towel as it will allow.

When you set next to him and peel the towel back he looks nearly catatonic. It spurs tears to your lash line, but you hold back. "Arms, please."

He shoves himself into the hoodie, tousling his wet mop of hair in the process, and takes the pants from you, which he stands robotically to step into. When he sits you wrap five fingers across the top of his flannel-clad thigh and press a short kiss to his cheek.

As if sparked by your touch, he curls himself into you.

You’re quick to receive him; you unlock his hands from where they latch behind your neck, gently, like everything else, and you lean back, back, until your head is hitting the pillow you were lounged up against earlier. His fingers scramble for somewhere to land; you will his weight down onto you, his shoulder and hip to tuck beside yours on the inside of the couch, his free arm and leg to sling across your body and his sweet face in the side of your neck. The water from his hair soaks through your shirt. You don’t care. You feel his breath; your fingertips trace circles along his spine, and your outside hand comes to tangle up with his. Eating will have to wait.

You don’t waste time asking if he wants to talk. If he did, he would’ve started by now.

So you focus on his breathing, and how lucky you are to have it ghosting along your collarbone. He’s gray, then white, then gray, then blue in the light of the TV as his thumb moves across the back of your hand, stiff, like it’s just been freed from paralysis.

You wait for his breath to shake; you know it will.

And he knows you know, because he squeezes your hand in a pulsing rhythm like a heartbeat. He hates this. He hates that you've seen him crumble so many times that you know exactly what he needs.

You say it so softly, again, almost a whisper: "I've got you, my love."

He doesn't want you to say it's okay or let it out or talk to me; this is another thing you know very well. He feels like he's floating away from what little sense of self he has to begin with and it's not okay, and he doesn't want to talk about it, he doesn't want to be told when to cry or not, but he does need reminded that you're here, and you're real, and so is he, and so is this thing that both have; you'll grab his ankles and pull him down out of the air. You always do. You always do.

So he cries anyway.

It's like hearing a foreign language leave his mouth. There's something so assured about Dazai even while he believes he's all smoke and mirrors and seeing—hearing—his voice jump between heaving breaths and cracking sobs has always jarred you in some way. Moreover, now that you're so attuned to the way he breaks, it fills you with a tired anger that you can't place on anything concrete. It's a frustration you're glad to shoulder with him, but a frustration no less. You would set fire to everything you could touch, strangle it all to death with your bare hands, if it guaranteed his peace. But you know he wouldn't want that, not anymore; you quell the rage inside you between strands of his hair, fingerpads combing over his scalp with all that anger channeled into love, pure love. For as terrible and rotten as he's convinced he is, he's truly turned you into something softer than you thought yourself capable of being.

You feel his heart racing double-time against yours; you briefly wish you had no chest, no ribs, no physical form to separate you from him, so that your heart could cradle his, give over to his troubled body the time of the breath yours breathes.

He's all jagged edges right now and you're holding him like he's made of cotton. It makes him worse, momentarily, and he tears his hand away from yours; he knows wrapping around you like this, like a boa constrictor around its prey, will make his arms lose feeling but he does it anyway, like he's worried you'll go up in a cloud of dust if he doesn't hold onto you tight enough. He knows it's probably uncomfortable for you, too, laying back on his knotted fingers while he shoves every piece of himself as close as he can get to you, but you don't say anything, don't even make a sound when he hyperventilates into your shoulder and pushes out pathetic whimpers between his stuttering. He knows his face is twisted into that expression he long ago deemed too ugly to look at in the mirror. He gasps like he's underwater, and you just press your cheek to his temple while you lose track of if the wetness on your shoulder is from his hair or his eyes. It doesn't matter. You love him so fucking much.

He weeps against you with his constraint surrendered, loud but muffled by your shirt, at least until whatever movie was on is over. When he finally lifts his head, your eyes flutter open. You hadn't realized you closed them.

You tilt to look at him; the seam of your shirt collar is imprinted into his cheek. His bangs have dried wildly; you push them away from his eyes which are raw with sorrow, and Dazai's hands unclasp from behind you, settling back to how they first were with one curled up into the couch and the other interlaced with yours. He's devastatingly beautiful. You can't help the ghost of the sad smile you wear; it's because he's so gorgeous, and also you want to let him know you're content to be here—not content with what's upset him, not at all, but content to pick him up and help him haul himself forward. He does not reflect the smile back to you. You don't blame him.

"Let's eat." You leave the please unspoken, but it hangs there anyway.

"It's cold," he complains, still distant, but with a glimmer of a pout you think may be him. He's not getting out of it, though.

You sit him up, keep him close to your side and pick up a bowl; it's indeed cold, but you take a bite anyway, as if to show him it's not so bad. When you hold sliced carrot and broccoli to his lips, he looks at you like you're trying to feed him dirt, but opens his mouth anyway.

And it may as well be medicine going down. Not that he particularly cares for reheated and recooled leftover bibimbap, but your fingers being at the other end of the chopsticks makes it appealing. More than appealing. Delightful, even. He never really understood how things like food, music, or art could be healing until he met you and you doodles silly pictures of him on slow Sunday mornings, sang old love songs to him while you shooed him away from the stove as you cooked dinner, fed him leftovers in your shared home, on your shared couch, surrounded by all the things that were both yours and his, sweatshirts, books, blankets, chopsticks alike.

And he tells you that in his own way.

"Heat it up again for me? Please?"

He speaks the plea this time, and you grin—not sad this time, but wholly, as he relights slowly in front of you. And as already established, you'd do anything for him.

"Mhm."

"I love you," he blurts. Tags it on. You stand, gathering both bowls, still grinning.

"I love you." No question about any of it. You press a kiss to the crown of his head. He unfurls the blanket from where you'd slung it over the back of the couch earlier, picking up the remote to flick through the channels, finally breathing steadily as he waits for you to return from the kitchen. Your kitchen, his kitchen. He hears the microwave hum, in another room, not on another planet. He knows he'll be alright.

[thisismeracing]

The one | CS55

― Pairing: Carlos Sainz x fem!reader (she/her) ― Warnings: mentions of break up and food; typos. ― Summary: Yn is doing well a few months after her break up with Carlos, and so is he. Everyone thinks that this paragraph of their lives is over, but as it happens they may be a chapter to each other, and Yn makes sure everyone knows he was her great love, the one - through her new song. ― A/n: None of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps, but the work is, and I do not allow it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛

▸ my masterlist | my taglist | patreon guide ▸ support my writing by reblogging, leaving a comment (don’t forget to follow me if you like the piece), or buying me a coffee

February, 2023

February, 2024

realyn

liked by charles_leclerc, sza, and others

realyn "The One" has just come out on all streaming platforms. I hope this piece of my heart reaches yours. Tune in and dive into the feels 💐🤍

view all comments

saintsainz "for old time's sake" HELLO?????

ynsummer omg another bop!!! I wish I could write songs when I'm sad, the few breakups I had I could only cry and try not to choke on my own phlegm

⤷ fan2000 ewwww LOL

hammert1m3 charles on the likes 👀

leclowns1655 in my head they're not over yet

⤷ mercmickey you need therapy, bestie

lewishamilton great music as usual 💜

francisca.cgomes 😍😍

szadirection I love how the grid's still here supporting here even a year after she and carlos broke up 🥺

popyn WE WERE SOMETHING DON'T YOU THINK SOOO ROSÉ FLOWING WITH YOUR CHOSEN FAMILY 🎤🎤🎤🎤

ferraristrangers I have so many theories for the lyrics and the cover and kksjksdj aaaaaaaa

Old posts

March, 2018

realyn

liked by lewishamilton, ynfan, and others

realyn eat pasta, run fasta, they said 😋😂

view all comments

bieberf1 they my new fav couple now 💋

raintyresainz thank you for feeding us that last carlos pic

hurricaneyn welp now I wanna eat pasta but its like the middle of the night

⤷ alonsochamp eat pasta, sleep fasta ����😂

carlossainz55 ❤️❤️

amarelorenault her glasses are so cool!!!!! her style is always on point

carlossainz55

liked by yourfriend, fernandoalo_oficial, and others

carlossainz55 we tried homemade, it worked 😋

view all comments

realyn we didn't run fasta this time though :(

⤷ carlossainz55 there wasn't any race this Sunday, cariño

⤷ realyn shhhh, let me be funny

harrystylistee I want what they have!

April, 2018

realyn

liked by hulkhulkenberg, renaultf1team, and others

realyn enjoyed April with my fav spaniard, wrote a few songs for you guys - new album dropping soon!!!!! 🥳

view all comments

aussiegrid howd you like Australia, Yn?

⤷ realyn I loved it, def gonna come back soon 🥰

ynfan 💙💙💙💙💙💙

carlosfullname1 where’s your jacket from?

⤷ realyn website.com 😘

fab2000 can’t wait for the new song and espec the new album!!!!!

July, 2018

carlossainz55

liked by pierregasly, realyn, and others

carlossainz55 Yn's new album "I used to know her" is out now and you guys should run to listen to it 💙💙 she did an amazing job as usual. I'm very proud of you, cariño @ realyn

view all comments

lewishamilton congrats, Yn!

hulkhulkenberg everyone here loved the new album, well done, Yn!

renaultf1team its our garage soundtrack 😎💛

March, 2019

realyn

liked by landonorris, mclaren, and others

realyn the past few months wearing papaya have been amazing! 🧡 and yes, last concert clothes were orange bc of the team

view all comments

landonorris looks like the concert clothes gave us some luck, make sure to wear orange again next time!

⤷ realyn I love you guys but I can't be wearing orange all the time

⤷ yourmanager yes, you can

⤷ realyn shut up, I'm gonna fire your ass

⤷ yourmanager no, you won't

⤷ carlossainz55 jajajaja

tifosinha I love how lando looks like their kid 😂

spaincarlos_ not yn and carlos adopting lando lol

ynfan4 her music taste is *chef kiss* 🤌🏾

ynandsainz yn, your album still on repeat on my apple music!

mclaren 🧡🧡

December, 2019

carlossainz55

liked by charles_leclerc, hulkhulkenberg, and others

carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Navidad! 🎄❤️

view all comments

saturnracer FELIZ NAVIDAD TAN TAN TAN PROSPERO AÑO Y FELICIDAD 🎤

szalover 😭😍 its the way she loves pasta

⤷ cowboyvettel @ realyn pasta or carlos? choose one

⤷ realyn carlos cooking pasta 😙😋😜

July, 2020

realyn

liked by lewishamilton, fernandoalo_oficial, and others

realyn compilation of some of the flowers Carlos gave me and pics he took 💖 Te amo, cariño 💐🌷🌹🌸🌺🌼🌻

view all comments

fonedirection God I see what youve done for others

carlossainz55 you’re my favorite flower, love 🌸💖

⤷ fernandoalo_official you guys know how to be sicklengly cute huh 🙄

piastripastry see? carlos gets flowers regularly to yn and yall out there crying over an ugly ass man who gives you the bare minimum 🫵

March, 2021

realyn

liked by carlossainz, scuderiaferrari, and others

realyn new character unlocked hehe ❤️💛🏎️

view all comments

ynfrance We want a new album, queen!!! save us!

swiftverstappen the way they went through everything togerher 🤧

⤷ russellsainz I want what they have

monegasque16 another day another yn post to make me cry in single and alone

carlossainz55 thank you for the endless support, cariño 💛 you’re my everything

tifosisunshine you’re 😭 my 😭 everything 😭

August, 2022

carlossainz55

liked by landonorris, pierregasly, and others

carlossainz55 my kind of free-weekends 🩵

view all comments

sunnyyn yn looks so good 😍😍

yourbestie ❤️ aweee

realyn te amo! 😘

January, 2023

realyn

liked by lewishamilton, francisca.cgomes, and others

realyn happy new year 🙃

view all comments

charlsmonaco where's carlos? 😟

mylightyn I don't like this vibe…

ynwardrobe what is she reading?

lewishamilton 💙

⤷ mclatinha lew do you happen to know something we don’t?

carlossainz55

liked by landonorris, fernandoalo_oficial, and others

carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! 🎉

view all comments

brocedes2010 where's Yn??????

schumini_ at least they seem to be on the same place 🙏🏾🙏🏾

redsainz he looks so good it hurts

back to 2024 💬📩

────── ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: Hi! I hope you guys liked this piece! I'm set on publishing my drafts but I need time to work on them, this one was saved for a while now, and it's finally here heheh let me know your thoughts!

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[dissociativewriter]

hello and the warmest congratulations on hitting 200 :] ! if I can participate in the event too, I’d like to request a rafayel drabble with the song "1121" by halsey! I was thinking of something fantasy/angel related but honestly whichever you feel like after listening to the song is fine w me 😸 maybe some angst w a hopeful ending idk… lots of love!

God of Tides!Rafayel x Angel of Death!Reader

here you go honey! tbh i don’t know if this is what you wanted cause i kinda went off the rails for this but i hope you like <3

wc: 767

The incoming ocean waves nipped at your feet, but the sensation was lost to you. Souls of fish and the occasional human that passed on followed behind you, gathered and herded so they could cross the division of life over to what came next.

It was routine, a role practiced for decades or centuries (you’d long since stopped counting). Nothing out of the ordinary. Sure, a stubborn soul here and there, but they all eventually joined you.

Until you came across a Lemurian.

This was unusual.

The death of a Lemurian was rare, and typically they were outside of your domain, instead falling into that of the ocean. It was your obligation, though, to take any lost souls with you.

This soul seemed lost to you.

Just as you crouched next to him, black robe fluttering in the ocean wind, the sea swirled next to you. The clouds darkened and flashes of lightning surrounded you. From the eye of the storm emerged a figure, an ethereal glow emanating from him.

“Who are you to take that which belongs to the ocean?” His voice boomed across the beach.

You straightened, shoulders back and head held high. “I am the Angel of Death. Who are you to defy my obligation?”

The figure descended before you, gold jewelry glinting under the lightning. You recognized the mop of purple hair, the fluttering white and blue fabrics, the designs along his chest.

“The God of Tides,” he answered. “This Lemurian is under my jurisdiction, not yours, Angel.”

“I understand that that is typically the case,” you replied. “However, it is my duty to collect any lost souls. He is lost, unsure of where to go.”

“I will lead him to where he is destined, Angel.”

“But it is my duty—” The God of Tides cut you off with a deep sigh.

“Have you no sympathy? Think of his family that would like to give him a proper Lemurian goodbye. Think of their broken hearts if you took that from them!”

“I cannot recall what it feels like to have a heart, Sea God. Mine was taken from me long ago,” you answered with a sad smile. “I am now used to being the one that takes, never to give or receive.”

Emotion passed though the watchful eyes of the God of Tides. Before him was a being more lonely than those at the deepest parts of the sea. “The ocean gives and gives. Allow me to give to you.” He watched you carefully.

“And what exactly will you give me?”

The God of Tides did not flinch back from your disbelieving stare. “The very thing the Angel of Death has lacked for so long: Love.”

You didn’t believe him. Not at first. But the night passed and the tide ebbed and flowed and the Sea God seemed to glow in the moonlight. He was beautiful. Full of life and love, everything that you lacked.

You felt an ache in your chest where your heart should have been.

As the dawn broke, you laid against him on the sand. “This cannot last,” you murmured. “I cannot stay. The Angel of Death is needed elsewhere.”

The Sea God’s hand wrapped around you, pulling you tighter against him. “What must I do to have you stay?”

You let out a laugh, more somber than humorous. “I would have to give up my role, my duties. I would have the death of a greater being.”

“To stay with me you would have to fall victim to your very duty?”

Though the God of Tides wanted desperately for there to be a way to avoid this, to be able to stay here on this beach forever, he knew love took and took, but never stayed.

Just like the ocean tides, this love, too, would wash away.

Silence settled between you, the mourning of what could have been already consuming your minds.

“If I had a heart,” you began, voice weak and cracking slightly, “I would give it to you so that it would be yours to break.”

He pressed a kiss to your forehead. “I would never allow it to break, Angel.”

As the sun rose over changing seas, you thought that maybe this would be enough.

Maybe having this love, however brief, could satisfy you.

The God of Tides watched the rising sun’s rays reflect in your eyes, knowing his love would burn bright long after this day ended.

“I know you assume we are fated to be apart,” he said softly. “But fate can always be defied. After all, it is our path to forge.”

comments and reblogs appreciated! <3

masterlist

[differenteagletragedy]

Idk if you’re looking for any ideas and if you’re not than just disregard this lol, anyway I absolutely love your writing, I was thinking the song “it will come back” by Hozier is so soap coded, idk if you heard it but if you haven’t you should listen to it, makes me think of soap everytime, anyway you could totally do something with him and this song and I’d eat it right the fuck up 🤤

Thank you!! I am always looking for ideas, and I love getting them from songs — I haven’t heard this one, but I hope you like it!

Johnny is the life of the party. When he's on leave, when he's allowed to be relaxed, he does just that. He's never met a stranger ... but he's never had someone who really knows him, either.

The people at work know him as one thing, his family knows him as another. The girls he meets sometimes down at the pub, they know him as something else entirely. Because he can be an attractive, charming man, and he can be a good soldier, a doting son, a jerk of a little brother.

But he can't be all of it at once. And he certainly can't show anyone what lies beneath.

You, with your little claws, you scratch at it. You dig into him, pulling back the skin and muscle, rooting around in your attempts to get at his deepest self laid bare.

"Not such a good idea, hen," he tells you one night when, after he pulls out of you, you pull him in to hold him close.

It's your fifth or sixth time hooking up, a casual thing -- at least, that's what he tells himself. And each time, you take a little more of him when it's over.

"Why's that?" you ask softly, like you don't know exactly what your doing. You press his head against your chest, cradling it there, and stroke his back with delicate touches that he could so easily become addicted to if he wasn't terrified of needing something like this.

"Lots of reasons," he answers. "I snore like a bear, for one."

"And for two?"

He smiles, tilting his head to rest his chin between your breasts, looking up at you, and says, "I steal the covers."

You smile back, considering. Then you sink your teeth in.

"Why don't you ever want to stay the night? Truly."

"No one ever taught you not to feed stray cats?"

It's another deflection, one you don't even respond to -- you just keep moving your hands, soothing his already sated body until he sighs and lays his head back down on you. Your heart beats steady against his ear, and he digs his fingers into your side where he holds you.

"Why would you want me to?" he asks.

"Because I like you," you tell him, not missing a beat. "I like spending time with you. You're funny and cute and you seem a little sad, but like you don't want to show it, and I've kind of started realizing that I don't care for that."

If there's a way to answer that, Johnny has no idea what it is.

He's not even sure himself what he's sad about, or why he can't just talk to you about it all. He always puts these arbitrary little qualifiers on the time you spend together and what you are to each other. "Just having fun, lass." "Let's not get too attached, shall we?"

Maybe it has something to do with being the youngest of four -- maybe it taught him how to need less. Or perhaps it has to do with being a third-generation soldier. Maybe self-reliance has been bred into him.

Or maybe it's all bullshit. Maybe he knows exactly how much he craves this -- not just your body, but these softer moments when you hold him, when you ask him questions and then wait to hear him answer -- and he simply can't stomach it. Can't bear the thought of having it for real, all the time, only for it to be ripped away, one way or another.

Because whether it's a toy snatched away by his sisters' hands, a uniformed stranger sitting him down with a somber "son, we've got some bad news about your father," or some girl who he could see himself falling in love with telling him she just can’t handle the stress of being with someone like him, things always get ripped away from him.

He’d like it, he thinks, if he could talk about all this with you. You’re so smart and insightful, and the way you look at him sometimes makes him think you really see him. He wonders, fleetingly, if you could be one thing that he got to keep.

But he can’t talk about it, not just yet.

Maybe next time.

[ippilulu]

What do I do with myself when you go where I cannot follow? - a Caleb x MC fanfic

Author note: I was listening to Weightless Paradise (this one) on his birthday as one does cause that song is a BANGER (I once texted my friend like 5 paragraphs dissecting the song and musically what each part meant- I am crazy crazy) and there was this one part that made me think of a sad coming-back-to-reality after being happy moment, and I was like huh. 'You know how Caleb and MC spent nearly a year apart (if this isn't canon btw I apologise), so that means he spent a birthday without her. What do you reckon would have happened on that day?' And this was born. Decided last minute not to post this on his birthday cause that would have been too angsty for even me- bro deserves so much better. Anyways, I'm sorry in advance.

Caleb relaxed his jaw as he put his car into gear, slowly driving out of the square, away from the people casually strolling and enjoying the warmth of the summer days that were only going to become more frequent as summer eased into Linkon. Her laugh still echoed in his ears- despite it being seemingly impossible considering the distance he had been careful to maintain between them lest her instincts sense him (because just like he always had a sixth sense for her, so did she).

He didn't need to hear her laugh for him to remember it, after all- after all these years, merely seeing a picture of it would ignite it in his memories. And oh, how happily he would burn in it, if he were allowed to. But the blinking light in his car's holographic display served as a reminder of how he couldn't- how he shouldn't- if he were to fulfil the vow he'd made to himself that day when he'd held her small, cold hand after the 13th cycle in the labs.

Caleb switches it off- a child's stubborn instinct to not face reality, not yet- and drives to an address as familiar as his breath. He almost expects to see the old house he'd spent most of his life in as he turns the corner… but of course there is nothing there.

For a few months after the incident, he'd notice flowers and various trinkets scattered in the remnant of the ashes- all that was left in the explosion that killed Josephine, that should have killed him too. He could never bear to stay for long, not after the few times he saw her there, silent and cold and unlike herself- so much so that his eyes had passed over the small figure in a familiar raincoat and umbrella- until he'd realised that that figure was as recognisable to him as his own.

He didn't bear the right to see her in her grief- even if from the outside it seemed like there was a lack of it. So he'd give her space, leave her alone. Caleb only wanted her to smile and laugh like the little meimei of his memories did in every idle dream he had. He protected these idle dreams with all the force of a black hole, refusing to let them become collateral in the everlasting struggle he waged- all to protect her, all for her.

For now, he was succeeding, barely. He was doing everything he could to fight against the chip- and even then all he could do was keep it at 93%.

7%.

That number haunted him sometimes, made him stare into the mirror longer than he should- late at night when the world was asleep, when he should have been asleep as well. But he couldn't rest, one thought keeping him awake beyond the fragile limits he'd managed to create for himself in his new role, his new life.

If he ever got the chance to see her once more, would she even recognise the soul behind his eyes as his? Or would the tiny 7% that remained be overshadowed by the 93% that had already been stolen from him?

Was there even a point to this struggle? Sometimes when he saw the familiar sterile white of the lab once more in the space between his nightmares and reality, he couldn't find one. It would be so much easier to let go, to give in…

But no. Even if he never met her again, he must do this for himself- he could not lose any more of himself than he already had. He would fight them until the end.

Even if it ended up being futile, his struggle still had meaning. For he'd have tried.

(For someone so used to success, this was a bitter pill to swallow. But it was either this or oblivion, and he knew which one he'd choose.)

Caleb blinked his eyes open, looking at the dim clock hovering above his car's dashboard. It was later than he'd planned- somewhere along the line his depressing thoughts had lulled him to sleep.

No nightmares this time, huh? He cracked a smile at the shadows beneath his eyes that never seemed to reduce, but froze as he looked outside.

Because there she was. The girl he'd dreamt of every time he closed his eyes, the one he'd put the little he had on the line for… The girl he loved.

His hand hesitated over the controls.

He should drive away.

Obviously she was there to talk to him- the version of Caleb in her head who she didn't even have the luxury of burying six feet in the ground. In no delusion his mind could come up with did he ever even think he deserved to see her like this.

He shouldn't even be seeing her at all, in fact. Not after what he did, not after what he chose to do every single day in his continued silence.

But there was a small, soft voice within him- was it from his current self or the child he'd buried deep within?

It's… It's your birthday. You deserve to be happy too, Caleb.

He lowered the window just a crack.

"… -out today, gege… I even got that cake you always said you didn't like but did- all because it was too expensive. It was delicious, but-" There was a pause, he could hear her crumpled breath echo across the small distance between them. …She was crying.

Caleb heard a small crack beside him and looked down, distracted. His car door's handle had given way under the force of his metal arm, and the implications of that made him bite his lip until it bled. The taste of blood in his mouth was a familiar one, and somehow it made the guilt less all-consuming as he looked back at her.

"I wish you were here. I know it's selfish, I know maybe you'd be in pain from your injuries… but your meimei has always been the most selfish when it comes to you. I can't help it, gege. I'd let the guilt eat me alive for it, but I'd still take advantage of your nature. Because… it was mine to take advantage of. And now… there's nothing of yours left for me."

Another deep breath. Caleb's jaw was so tight that it would have snapped if it were metal. He hastily wiped the wetness on his cheeks away, all of it blurring the rare image of her in his vision.

"All I have is this-" Something silver sparkled in the dying rays of the evening, and his left hand automatically took out his own copy of it, the metal cold enough to remove every trace of warmth from him- as if it knew it were not the original- as if it knew it were a mere copy that he'd made in his grief and desperation that could never even live up to the original.

"You broke your promise, gege. You promised me you'd never take it off, but you left it behind here- you left it behind with me." She slowly sat on her knees, and this seemed to be what hurt Caleb even more than the knowledge that she was crying.

"Caleb, ew! Don't sit there- you don't know what's been on it!" "I'm not sitting on the ground. I'll get a mat next time. And don't even think of sitting on my bed after this until you've changed your clothes!"

"I know I shouldn't- it wasn't… it wasn't your fault. But I feel so abandoned, Caleb. I feel so terribly lonely-" Another choked sound and he wasn't even sure which one of them made it this time- "It's not your fault, it's not- but still I blame you, gege. I'm so sorry- I'm so sorry-"

A phone ringing shocked them both out of the reverie they'd found themselves in- her sitting there sobbing softly, Caleb watching her like it was his personal punishment. He watched her wipe her face with her sleeves, raise her face to the sun and blink a few times, smiling brightly and singing a few notes, before she put the phone to her ear, a bright happy "Hi!" on her lips like it belonged there. A few seconds pass as she seems to be listening to the caller.

"Oh, that's so- it's so sweet of you to ask, haha! But no… I'm fine. Just watching a few old movies that both of us loved to remember him… My popcorn got over so I'd just stepped out to get some more. How's it going for you, Tara?"

Tara- the girl with black hair and purple eyes who always hung around her since she'd joined the Hunters' Association- and even more so after the explosion. The file he had on her life and history flashed in his mind- safely tucked at the house the Fleet had given him. But seeing her in front of him, guilt weighed him down.

This was not how a normal gege would behave. Or a normal anything- who keeps updated files of all the people their meimei interacts with just in case?

Even if he'd never thought of her as that for a long, long time now. But all those years ago, it'd been the fastest way to make her realise he wasn't one of the people who'd hurt her each time she came back. The fact that his child self had unknowingly bound himself in these chains of duty by doing so was something no one would have anticipated at the time… especially in the place they were in.

"- I'll see you tomorrow then! Yes yes, sure. I'll get some of those biscuits for you- sometimes it really does seem like you're only here for them, hmph." Her laughter rang out but he couldn't even smile.

When did she get so good at pretending everything was okay?

She was too good at it for it to be such a recent development. Or perhaps it was, and her loss had forced her to become good at it too soon.

He didn't know which one hurt less.

The phone was put down, now forgotten as she looked back at the plot that had once housed the only childhood home they'd ever known- and bent down to kiss one of the flowers that were near her. "I hope you like these, gege. I thought you'd like the scent- wherever you are. Take it as my apology… Because even if I love you, I hate you- just a little bit. Big dummy Caleb. Happy birthday… I love you."

The small smile on her face as she walked away felt like she'd personally slashed the shape of it into his heart.

…Happy birthday, indeed.

ending notes: I like using gege and meimei when talking about Caleb and MC despite playing the game in english, because I feel like it's the only word that can come close to describing the relationship they've shared with each other since childhood. In no way does this mean that I think of them as blood siblings, or that MC and Caleb in my fics think of themselves as related that way either. In case you do, that's great! I love all sorts of Caleb and MC fics. I just like to think of them romantically in mine :D Also! The small thing she did before she picked up Tara's call is something I always do when I need to hide that I've been crying haha... apologies if it seemed unusual!

[harmless-variety-of-garden-snake]

I'm doing another alternate prompt for BuckTommy Fluffebruary Day Twenty-Two: Showering Together. Somehow, there's no porn. Who am I? The rock hyrax named Wilson does exist, you can see him here. The southern hairy-nosed wombats also do look sad all the time, as you can see here. Tommy is singing "I Love You Always Forever" by Donna Lewis. Badly. Bless him. You can read this on AO3 over here. Tagging @bucktommyfluffebruary

Buck pulls up to Tommy's house just as he receives a text from his boyfriend.

Tommy 💕 I'm hopping in the shower, go ahead and let yourself in.

He smiles as he gets out of his Jeep, rubbing his thumb over the key Tommy had given him. They'd given each other keys on what was coincidentally their second three month anniversary, but he hadn't had a reason to use his yet.

Putting it in the lock and turning it, he feels a little like Tommy should be there to commemorate the moment, but then why would Buck need his own key? When he pushes open the door, it sends a happy little thrill down his spine.

“Babe?” he calls, just in case Tommy hasn't gotten into the shower yet. When he toes off his shoes and puts them on the rack, he listens and hears something kind of…strange?

Worried for a moment, he drops his bag by the door and makes his way back toward the master bedroom. By the time he reaches the doorway, he can clearly hear that Tommy is singing in a terrible falsetto to some song that sounds familiar but Buck would never be able to name in a million years.

He smiles and taps on the open bathroom door. Tommy looks over his shoulder through the somewhat fogged shower door and grins.

“You're early,” he says.

“No traffic somehow,” Buck says, his eyes sweeping across his boyfriend's back, ass, and legs. “Need a hand?”

Tommy laughs, turning down the volume on his waterproof speaker that hangs out on a little shelf. “I mean, if you're offering…”

Buck undresses quickly and steps into the shower. When he kisses Tommy, his lips are warm and wet from him sticking his face under the spray.

“Turn the music back up,” Buck says, grabbing the loofah from its hook and Tommy's body wash. He scrubs his boyfriend’s back while he reaches over to turn up the volume. “I like this one.”

“It’s Donna Lewis, everyone loves this song,” Tommy teases, looking over his shoulder at him. “How was work?”

“Not great,” Buck admits. He knows that Tommy already has an idea from their texts, but the last five hours had been especially terrible.

Tommy turns around and hugs him, and Buck relaxes into his hold. He allows himself to be maneuvered under the hot water, and Tommy just holds him. He doesn't say any platitudes or make any false promises about how the next shift will be better or anything. He just holds him and occasionally presses a kiss to his temple.

“Do you need anything?” Tommy asks, and Buck shakes his head. “I mean anything. I can drop you into the zoo so you can steal that rock hyrax.”

Buck laughs and kisses Tommy's shoulder. “I can't steal Wilson.”

He pulls back far enough to kiss Tommy for making him laugh for the first time in hours.

“We could borrow him,” Tommy says softly, brushing a damp curl from Buck’s forehead. “Just so you can pet him for a bit.”

Buck smiles, feeling something soft settle in his chest, making it easier to breathe for the first time in hours. “You really want to start our first shared ninety-six in two months with a trip to jail?”

Tommy shrugs. “Could be fun. But we'd miss the paint night that Karen invited us to.”

“Can't do that.”

“Nope,” Tommy agrees, kissing him. “Let's get you cleaned up.”

Buck took a shower at the station, but he doesn't care. He lets Tommy scrub him until he's pink and clean, and then he does the same. They both smell like Tommy’s body wash, and he knows they’ll put on clothes that smell like Tommy’s laundry soap. He wants to wrap himself in the smell and feeling of his boyfriend, especially after the day he’s had. When the water gets turned off, Tommy wraps a towel around Buck’s shoulders and scrunches his hair to get most of the water out before grabbing his own towel.

“How does meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans, and a couple episodes of Murder, She Wrote sound?” Tommy asks as he digs through his drawers for two pairs of sweats.

“Sounds perfect.” And it does, even though he still can't believe his boyfriend got him into a show about an older woman who just solves murders in her free time. He accepts the offered sweats with a kiss and pulls Tommy into another hug. “How was your shift?”

“I got to rescue a dog—unharmed—from a boat that no one tied up properly. I have pictures of her. Her name's Molly.” Tommy hooks his chin over Buck’s shoulder as his hands settle on Buck’s lower back. “And that was kind of the only good thing. Everything else was pretty normal or not great.”

“I'm sorry,” Buck says, feeling a little guilty for taking Tommy's focus and for waiting so long to ask in the first place.

“Don't be,” Tommy says, pulling back to rest his hands on Buck’s shoulders. “Remember: making sure you're okay helps me feel okay.”

Buck strokes along Tommy's sides and nods. They’ve talked about this extensively, but Buck still worries he’s being selfish. “Can I do anything? I can't fly a helicopter, but I'd be willing to learn so you can get one of those sad wombats.”

Tommy laughs and cradles Buck’s face. “I'll think about it. But no, just…let me feed you. It's the kindest thing you can do for an Italian. And then be the big spoon while we watch Angela Lansbury solve a murder in a really unlikely way.”

“Done and done.” Buck smiles into the kiss Tommy gives him and makes a soft noise when he realizes he's forgotten something. “The cake!”

“What cake?”

“I made a cake after the last call so I'd stop picturing—” he cuts himself off, not wanting to finish the thought, and Tommy just rubs a hand across his back. “But I made you a little chocolate cake. It's in my car.”

“I'll get it. Get dressed,” Tommy says, stepping back and dropping his towel so he can pull on his sweats. His eyes sweep over Buck when he drops his own towel. “Or don't. Does it need to go in the fridge?”

Buck bites his lip and shakes his head. While Tommy's footsteps retreat, he looks down at the folded sweats and then back at the bed. He shrugs and jumps on the bed. He can get dressed later.

[rogersideup]

｡°✩ ♊︎ The Gemini♊︎ ✩ °｡

Chapter 6

Little Birdie

Series masterlist

Previous part: Rearview next part: Twinkles

Word Count: 7,800

Warnings: My blog is 18+ only. All minors or blogs without an age in bio will be blocked. Minors DNI. Mentions and descriptions of sexual acts, anxiety, and sever depression.

One week.

Steve made it one whole week without you.

It was one of the longest weeks of his life.

Every day for seven days straight he needed Bucky to convince him not to text or call you. That conversation usually happened as Steve paced around his living room, while Bucky sat on his couch, threatening to get up and rip the phone out of his hands.

He couldn't even text you outside of work hours considering you blocked his number from being able to do so, but that still didn't stop the itch he felt to just see your name on his phone screen again.

Both boys were in agreement that Steve eventually should reach out and try to fix the damage that was done, because if your situation at the compound needed to get better just for the chance that you would stay, you at least needed your best friends back. But Bucky knew you deserved time and space away from all of the drama to really process it and figure out how you wanted it to end.

Bucky also knew a week of no contact with Steve would help the both of you stop fueling the fire. The harsh words would settle, reflecting back on the situation wouldn't feel as dramatic, and maybe now Steve would finally find the right words without the sight of you every day.

Plus, he would be damned if he let Steve have a conversation this serious with you over the phone.

Sure, both boys were extremely worried about you. There were a few times Bucky wanted to call and check up on you too, but he knew his own feelings shouldn't come before yours right now.

Meanwhile, the week did you wonders. You spent your days reconnecting with everything you used to love. Your favorite restaurants in the area, old friends you barely got to see now that you lived so far, the old yoga studio you attended 4 times a week, and seeing your family every day was healing in ways you didn't even know your heart could reach.

Filling the mornings and afternoons with everything you loved was important, but you knew better than to completely disregard the real issues at hand. So every night you'd go on a walk to the pretty park a few blocks from your childhood home, and meditate under the moon.

With the one airpod you had left, you'd let music shuffle and allow the lyrics to guide your thoughts. Some were a little to sad to bare, others were so on the nose you couldn't help but to listen over and over again while allowing the words to comfort you like a hug you've really been needing.

You and Steve were still friends and shared a playlist on your favorite music streaming app. Every night at the park you could see he was listening to sad music, and knew he could see you doing the same. Dramatic? Maybe. Were the sad melodies making you feel understood and less alone? Absolutely.

Eventually he got brave and while you sat under the moon and admired the stars, your headphones read the newest notification.

Steve Rogers added new song to playlist: Little Freak by Harry Styles.

You sighed, but against your better judgement you let the song play to understand what he was trying to say to you. Though the song was familiar to you, all this music was new to Steve. He loved listening to all your favorite artists and bonding over the modern music. The message was loud and clear when you heard it.

"I was thinking about who you are, your delicate point of view, I was think about you. I'm not worried about where you are or who you will go home too, I'm just thinking about you. I disrespected you, jumped in feet first and I landed too hard. Broken ankle, karma rules."

You knew deep down that you shouldn't give him the satisfaction of a response. He didn't deserve to be invading your sacred space, he knew how much music meant to you. But on the other hand, he deserved to know how much he hurt you. If he got to send you a message through song, you deserved to speak your mind too.

So you added a new song to the playlist as well. My Tears Ricochet by Taylor Swift.

"Even on my worst day, did I deserve babe, all the hell you gave me? Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you till my dying day. I didn't have it in myself to go with grace. You're the hero flying around saving face. If I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed? Look at how my tears ricochet."

After that, your phone was silent and nothing else was added to your playlist. You could see he listened to the song, then once it was over he was no longer active on the app.

You'd usually let your mind really reflect on what happened and what you wanted going forward, but you found that Steve took up most of your thoughts, and what to do about your career always came second to him.

It seems like your Mom and Dad's advice always leaned towards joining the Avengers. But why wouldn't it? All they ever wanted for you was to find something you love and run as far as you could with it.

Jane would've preferred you leave the field completely. You knew the nature of your job left her in a permanent state of unease about your safety, but you always reassured her that you were in good hands so you'd be okay.

Nathan was a little more understanding that not everything was so black and white, so he played devils advocate for all sides, and of course Luca wanted you to join the Avengers.

Hearing all of their perspectives was helpful to see the bigger picture, but at the end of the day, only Jane and Nathan knew the extent of what happened. You kept the whole Steve and Bucky situation away from your parents for the same reason you kept it away from Luca, you didn't want to ruin the illusion of a superhero for them.

Also.... Your parents really didn't need to know the nitty gritty on your escapades with the winter soldier.

All good things came to an end, especially having your whole family under one roof. After a whole week together, Jane, Nathan, and Luca had to go home to get back to their own life, while your mom and dad left to go on a few day vacation they had planned months ago. So it left you, and the family dog, Rocket, you happily agreed to take care of in their absence.

It was actually kind've nice to have time to yourself. You filled the day with morning yoga, brunch with a friend, some journaling and therapy, and a much needed nap. As the sun went down, you threw a toy around the house to try and get Rocket's energy out but it didn't help much. So after you cooked and ate dinner, you grabbed a tennis ball and walked him a few blocks to the park.

Luckily he was allowed off leash, and there was one other dog there for a little while that took an immediate liking to him, so they ran around and tuckered each other out while you sat on the grass and watched.

Eventually his little friend left, so it left just the two of you, the tennis ball, and the twinkling stars above head.

As lame as it felt to admit, the small spotty brown dachshund filled your soul with so much joy that you couldn't wipe the smile off your face. Throwing the ball, and watching his little legs carry him so far, so fast with tiny little hops was definitely one of the cutest things you've seen in a while.

He was a brave and trusting little creature in most aspects of life, but when the rumble of an approaching motorcycle got a little too loud for his liking, Rocket came running back to your side with his tail between his legs.

Sitting by your side, you picked him up and held him close to your chest while speaking calming words to him that he definitely didn't understand. You pressed little kisses to his forehead, and he licked your cheek in return causing you to laugh.

Feeling a little annoyed that the motorcycle pulled into the parking area for the park you were occupying on your own, you stayed vigilant of your surroundings. Fully prepared to leave when the man got off the bike, you set Rocket down and started reaching for his leash before the dog started running towards the man who was now walking towards the both of you.

"Hey! Rocket, no!" You jumped up from your spot to chase after the irrationality fast weenie. Tail wagging, and happy wiggles took over his little body as he hopped up on his back two legs to greet the stranger. "I'm so sorry! He usually never does this, I don't know why he's... oh."

I'm front of you stood none other than Steve Rogers himself, looking delectable and cozy in a cute teal crewneck and some casual pants with sneakers on. You immediately had a billion and one questions, but he was very obviously taken by Rocket who was also very obviously taken by Steve. There was a serious love as first sight situation happening as Steve leaned down with a big smile on his face to say hi to the little dog.

"It's okay!" Steve giggled, squatting down to get closer to Rocket. "He soooo stinkin' cute!"

"What are you doing here?" You asked, feeling throughly confused, and immediately feeling a little defensive and protective.

When he looked up at you, your arms crossed over your chest as a form of self soothing. It had been so long since you felt this uncomfortable energy, and having it ripple through your body once more felt like reconnecting with an old friend.

"Oh, I was just in the area." Steve said sarcastically, nonchalantly shrugging his shoulders.

"Right." You agreed. "Casually in the area two hours away from home... on a motorcycle?"

"An hour and 45 minutes is only an hour and 20 on a bike." Steve noted with a shy smile.

"And how did you know that this area you so happened to be in was the same place I was, even though I never told anyone where I was?" You tilted your head to the side.

"Oh, it's easy. A little birdie told me." Steve noted.

"What was the bird's name?"

"That's not important." He denied, still smiling at the dog but standing to his full height.

"I don't know, feels kind've important to me." You hated that you had to hold back a smile as you looked at him. And you hated even more that you couldn't stop thinking about how stupidly cute he looked with helmet hair and a cozy crewneck on.

"Do you want to sit and chat?" Steve asked, suddenly seeming nervous. "...if not that's fine we can talk a different time if you want."

"You came all this way just to talk?" You questioned.

Steve swallowed nervously as he nodded.

“You could've called me." You challenged.

"Sometimes I think the old fashioned way of doing things is better." He shrugged. "...Also you blocked my phone number after work hours."

You sighed and pointed to your blanket on the grass. "Sit."

He quickly nodded and obeyed your orders. He sat first, and you sat next to him, Rocket trailed behind with the tennis ball in his mouth before happily handing it to Steve.

"Who is this little guy?" Steve asked, throwing the ball for him.

"Rocket"

"Like the raccoon?"

“No, he's my parent's dog. They just thought the name suited him. But they're out of town for the next 3 days so he's mine until then." You explained.

"I heard you spent some time with your family. You look a lot happier, do you feel better?"

"So Jane was the birdie who told you where I was." You noted.

"Will not confirm nor deny."

"Mmm" you hummed, reading between the lines. "Yes, it was very nice spending time with people who love me. I do feel a lot better, but it's going to take a lot longer than a week to heal from everything that happened."

"Of course it will, but all that matters is that it's getting a little better everyday." Steve noted. "I don't know if this helps, but I think I put the fear of the devil into Harvey and all his friends. Should you choose to come back, I don't think they would be an issue for you anymore."

"Do I even want to know what you did to them?" You asked.

"I don't think the details really matter too much right now." Steve shrugged once more.

A very uncomfortable silence fell over the two of you, so you threw the ball for Rocket this time.

"Would you like to talk about the hard stuff?" Steve raised.

"Can't we just talk about the weather?" You complained, dreading the inevitable.

"It's pretty chilly out tonight." Steve noted. "You're not cold?"

"Nope." You exaggerated the P at the end of the word.

"Good chat." Steve giggled at the astronomical amount of discomfort and awkwardness you were exuding. "This is never going to get better if we don't talk about it."

"I haven't cried in a few days." You told him. "I'm dreading losing my streak."

"Crying is healthy, and so is expressing emotions." Steve told you. "For example, I really missed you and I've been worried about you for a while now, so I'm here to express that."

"Oh, so you weren't just in the area?" You questioned.

"I took my motorcycle to get to you as fast as I could, because I waited a whole week and every single day that passed by without me giving you a much needed apology was killing me slowly with an amount of guilt I didn't even know was possible for a human being to feel. So no, I was absolutely nowhere near the area."

"Was that the apology?"

"No." Steve denied. "I'm really sorry for everything that's happened. I feel like every interaction I've had with you this past month has been a really bad reflection of my character. I should've went about the whole situation with a lot more logic and understanding, and I should've just listened to you and Bucky before letting anger get the best of me. It wasn't fair to you."

Your eyes stayed fixed on Rocket as he hopped around the grass, he watched you slowly nod while processing his words. "I never meant to hurt your feelings, and if I knew back then what I knew now, Bucky and I would've never..."

"I know." Steve saved you from having to finish that statement. "And our last training was just... completely unacceptable. I wish there was a logical explanation as to why I was so upset that day. Quite honestly, every time I even start to think about it I feel just horribly embarrassed and completely mortified. I'm sorry for not listening to you and telling you that I didn't care. I'm sorry for scaring you and completely breaking your trust. Most importantly I'm really fucking sorry for hurting you. I should've listened better and walked you to medical the second you said something, and the fact that I only made it worse has kept me awake every night since it happened."

"Bucky said you were having a tough few days." You noted.

"It doesn't matter." Steve declined. "I need to do better than that, and I will. You were having some really hard days too, but you never used it as a reason to treat me like shit."

“I was pretty shitty to you."

"But within reason."

"I told you to ignore my existence, called you some not so nice names, yelled at you a few times..."

"Because I pushed you to that level of anger."

"The fact of the matter is that you felt that way because you felt disregarded and disrespected by Bucky and I, and for that, I'm sorry too." You apologized. "I know you weren't interested in hearing me out before when this all happened, and at the time none of the words really came out right. So if you're open to it, I feel like I'd really like a chance to explain the choices I made."

"Of course." Steve practically whispered with a subtle nod, throwing the ball once more for the dog. "But don't feel obligated to. I don't think I would've come all this way if I hadn't already forgiven you."

"This is never going to get better if we don't talk about it." You used his own words against him.

"Ah, so you do think we could make it better?" Steve asked.

"Why wouldn't I want it to get better?"

Steve sighed. "You made it pretty clear in a few different ways that you didn't want me as a friend or even around you at all anymore. A big part of me was expecting you to turn me away for good when I showed up here."

"Oh... sorry." You mumbled sadly, suddenly feeling bad about all the words you shouted at him out of pure, hot red anger.

"S'okay."

"Growing up, I was never really the center of attention for anything. I was never good at anything, I got straight B's in school, I had 2 friends at most. Even as I got older and went through high school I wasn't paid much attention to. I never had a boyfriend, I struggled a lot to make friends, once I even went to my teacher to ask him a question 4 months into senior year and he thought I was a new student even though I had been sitting in the second row of his class every single day."

"...yikes." Steve cringed.

"Yikes is right." You agreed. "I never thought I would exceed at anything at all in life. My big plans were finding a 5-9 desk job to make ends meet then just keep going until I didn't have to anymore. Then I discovered the joy of helping people, realized maybe I'm not all that bad at it, and before I knew it I was at Shield. Then all of the sudden I went from never getting much attention my entire life, to having all eyes on me at all times. I was being held to impossibly high standards, the boys wouldn't leave me alone, it felt like regardless of where I was in the building, there was this big huge spotlight on me."

Rocket had finally gotten too tired to play with his ball, so he came back to you and Steve, and laid down right next to Steve's leg. "Even I was hearing about you before you had made it to high enough ranks to work with me."

"Getting no male attention your whole life will kind've mess you up a bit, but going from no male attention to getting thrown into the compound where only a handful of other women work will mess you up a lot."

"Like throwing a zebra into a pack of lions."

"Even that feels like an understatement." You grinned. "Harvey was the first guy I met that didn't feel like he was going to eat me alive, so I stuck with him."

"He was your first boyfriend?" Steve asked, sounding genuinely appalled.

"He was my first everything." You admitted shyly. "I thought he was one of the good ones, like that one boy you waited your whole life for. But obviously I was stupid, and that turned out to be one of the bigger mistakes of my life."

"He's the stupid one, not you." Steve denied.

"When I met you and Bucky, it was a big breath of fresh air. You guys helped me realize that Harvey was bad for me, but at that point I was already convinced he would be the only guy who would ever be stupid enough to fall in love with me. So I stayed way longer than I should've, but in the meantime I felt like I had opened up to you and Bucky far more than I ever had to Harvey. We started training together and talking more, and at that point I felt like I had given you so much more of myself than I had ever given anyone else in my life. Which I know sounds odd, but we were having these really good conversations that made me feel really vulnerable but in a good way, and we had built so much trust and understanding of each other that I never had to question what your intentions were when you were around."

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. That was the only word Steve could think of at the moment. How he felt, how he treated you, how he made you feel, he was an asshole.

"I'll spare you details, but after Harvey and I officially called it quits obviously I was really fucking sad. I wanted to see you, but you were away on a mission and I just needed to be with a friend so I went to Bucky's place instead. I had all of this new found freedom, paired with this gut wrenching feeling that I was going to be alone and unloved for the rest of my life, and a good friend in front of my face who was just so kind and gentle...things just happened. I wasn't the one to initiate, but I definitely didn't put a stop to it because for once it was really nice to feel wanted. We didn't even kiss or see each other naked, it felt like less of a big deal to me and far less vulnerable or intimate than most of the stunts and challenges I let you guide me through in training. Bucky and I weren't trying to be malicious and we had no bad intentions in our choice to not tell you, I was just afraid that you wouldn't understand and that you'd take it the wrong way. Which, with all due respect, you didn't understand and by the time I even got a chance to try to explain it to you, we were both so angry and defensive that none of the words would come out right."

Working up the courage to look at Steve to gauge any sort of emotional reaction from him, his face was full of remorse as his eyes stayed set on the dog as his hands gently pet his long body and scratched the top of his head.

You took the chance to take a deep breath and let your palm sink into the fluffy park grass, one last ditch effort to ground yourself before the getting into the hardest part of the conversation. "That fear of misunderstanding and miscommunication is exactly why you didn't tell me or Bucky or anyone for that matter that you liked me. And just like how the information about what Bucky and I did got to you in the wrong way at the wrong time, that information got to me in the very wrong way at the very wrong time. And just like you, I didn't understand, and I felt hurt and betrayed because of it."

You watched Steve's cheeks turn red before he hid his face in his hands and let out a groan, earning a little smile from you that he couldn't even see. "Can we just talk about the weather again?"

"Sure thing." You agreed. "I think I lied to you on accident, because now I am kind've cold."

"Wow I'll never forgive you." He joked dryly, mumbling into the palms of his hands.

"That's okay, we can add it to the list of dumb shit we gotta talk through." You giggled. "Well, seems like that covers the weather category again. Are you ready to come out of hiding?"

He peeked one eye out between his fingers. "No. I kind've wish the floor would swallow me whole right now."

"Wow, I didn't think that you had a weak spot, but I found it." You enthused.

Although it was at much too high a cost, seeing a genuine smile on your face for the first time in over a month was like a big breath of fresh air to Steve.

"I'm not covering my ears, I can still hear you perfectly fine. Please continue." He grumbled.

"Just to put you out of your misery and conclude that horrifically long sob story I just subjected you to..." You started. "I was only hurt in that moment because after fooling around with Bucky and getting the information that you liked me sprung on me, it felt like I had lost the only two people in the compound who didn't see me as or treat me like an object of some weird sexual fantasy. Part of me even felt mad and embarrassed at myself for believing that we could've been friends without you guys seeing me that way. Plus, I had all those people in the compound already saying the only reason I was getting so far in my career was because I was sleeping with you, and I so desperately didn't want them to be right. So, all of that being said, I'm sorry too, I should've never been so mean to you. I'm sorry that Bucky and I hurt you, I'm sorry for jumping to conclusions and not letting you explain yourself while accusing you of things you'd never do."

"Like I said earlier, I already forgave you." Steve slowly let his hands fall from his face, cheeks still stained a pretty pink color.

"That doesn't mean you don't deserve an apology." You reminded him. "We both hurt each other, it's not fair for you to take all the blame."

"I feel like I'm going to throw up" Steve took a deep breath.

"Don't do that" you shook your head. "Please don't throw up."

"I hope you know that our friendship has always meant a lot to me, and absolutely none of it was a scheme to sleep with you." Steve braved through the hard part of the conversation he absolutely wished he never had to think about again.

"Yeah, I do now." You reassured him. "I'm sorry I said that."

"I really just didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable." Steve explained. "Especially in an environment where you were already getting eaten alive. Plus I was your boss, and you had Harvey, and I didn't want to ruin our friendship... and, yeah, I dunno. It was just a mess. I didn't tell Bucky because I didn't want him to tell me to tell you. He figured it out on his own, by the way. Apparently my eyes twinkle too much, whatever that means."

"I'm not uncomfortable, and yeah, you do have really twinkly eyes." You grinned.

"I guess that's your fault" Steve jokingly sassed.

"Oh so now we're pointing fingers?" You took fake offense.

"From this point on, I'd really like it if everyone could just ignore the twinkle in my eyes so we can all get back to being friends like we were before." Steve said, giving you a really easy escape to officially denying him.

"But I think the twinkles are so pretty!" You enthused, giggling when you could practically see his heart drop.

"You shouldn't be saying things like that when you know I already feel like throwing up." Steve shook his head and clutched his stomach.

"But I mean it." You confirmed. "Knowing what I know now, why would we ever go back to being how we were before?"

Steve swallowed thickly, then his hands started exaggerated movements to further get his point across. "I'm trying to give you an easy way out of telling me you don't want me back in the same way."

"I understand, but that wouldn't be true." You giggled. "I do remember you stating very clearly that you aren't my boss anymore, am I remembering that correctly?"

"No, technically I'm not you b-" He rambled quietly.

"Do we think this would do anything to harm our sweet little Bucky boy?"

"No. He's been going out with Natasha and has been trying to get me to ask y-"

"You we're so kind as to cut me some deals, so I've got one for you too. Let's take some time to let everything settle and heal over, then when the time is right, we'll explore more of that little twinkle, alright?"

"Okay." Steve nodded wide eyed and enthusiastic.

"Yeah? Are you going to throw up?" You questioned with a smile.

"Maybe only a little bit." He continued nodding.

"I guess that's better than a lot-a-bit" you justified.

"So we're okay?" Steve asked, twinkly eyed and puppy dogged face.

"We're okay." You confirmed. "Can I give you a hug? You look like you really need it."

Steve opened his arms for you, and you both had to awkwardly lean over Rocket who was instantly stayed tucked next to his leg. Embracing him tightly, you realized just how badly you needed it too.

Both unwilling to let go for a little while, you took the time to appreciate his body heat that was a stark difference between the cold air outside.

"I'm sorry." Steve quietly apologized again.

"It's okay. I'm sorry too." You accepted. "I really missed you, Stevie."

"I missed you too, Bug. I've been so worried about you lately." One of his hands was very sweetly rubbing your back.

"Sorry." You sighed. "I've been trying my best."

"I know. That doesn't make me worry any less."

"I love you." You reminded him for the first time in a while.

Steve relaxed and let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding onto. "I love you more."

Although you could've hugged him forever, the two of you mutually unwrapped yourself from each other.

"How is your shoulder?" He questioned remorsefully.

"Oh, it's fine." You told him. "It feels so much better. I've been doing yoga all week and it's held up nicely."

"Good, that's good." He nodded. "And have you put any thought into what you're going to do about your job?"

"Everyone seems to want me to do something different." You sighed. "I've been coming here almost every night just to think about it. It's really nice that the sprinklers don't turn on at 10 pm."

“What do you want to do?"

"I think I know what I want, but I'm really scared of making the jump." You explained.

"I'm not here to talk you in or out of anything, I was just curious." Steve grinned. "You still have the rest of the week to think it through. But just know that I have no doubt in your ability to handle a big scary jump"

"I can usually only handle big scary jumps because most of the time, you're down at the bottom waiting to catch me." You admitted.

"Well regardless of what you choose, I'll still always be here for you." Steve reminded you sweetly. "I just hope you do what you think is best for you, and not what other people want you to do."

“That's the thing, I don't think I know what's good for me."

"Are you kidding me? You have great intuition." Steve said. "Your just need to gain back trust for that little voice in your head that's telling you what to do."

"The same voice that bullies me every day?!" You asked with a giggle. "Absolutely not, she gets no say in any of my choices nowadays."

Steve close lipped smiled at you, his dimples setting deep into his chiseled cheeks. "Then forget you even have a brain and listen to your heart."

"She's also been really problematic recently." You noted. "I don't like her very much right now."

His smile turned into a pout. "That sounds like a very tough thing to not like about yourself."

"Tell me about it." You agreed. "But we're working on it."

"Once again, I guess that's all that matters." Steve noted. "So you can't make a big decision with your heart or your head, and your shoulder is out of the question. We're running low on body parts."

"Maybe I'll let Rocket make the choice for me." You grinned at the sleepy dog.

"I think Rocket should be an Avenger... actually, I think Rocket should come home with me and be my dog instead." Steve smiled, petting the dog once more.

"My parents would hunt you down for sport if you ever took this dog." You giggled. "He's their favorite child."

"But I love him!" Steve pouted like a child. "He's just so fucking cute! Have you seen these ears?!"

"No pets allowed at the compound" You reminded him, nudging his arm. "Maybe that's all the more reason to quit."

“I think that's reason to break the rules, not to quit." Steve corrected.

"Captain America suggesting I break the rules?!" You questioned with a gasp.

"Am I not the same man who's whole career was founded off of breaking the law?" Steve questioned right back. "When have I ever followed the rules?"

"Wow, bad to the bone."

"That sounded sarcastic." He noted as his eyebrow raised in question.

"Me? Sarcastic? Never." You denied.

Rocket readjusted to get more comfortable, but crawled into the hole within Steve's crossed legs and curled up into a little ball in his lap, with his head resting on his thigh.

"Okay that's it." Steve declared, fists balling up to keep himself from unleashing his cuteness aggression on the creature in the form of hugging him so tight his eyes popped out of his head like a stress ball. "I can't take this anymore. How bad would your parents beat me up if I stole this dog? Because really, I think I could take the beating."

"I simply cannot express to you how much taking this dog away from my parents is not an option." You laughed at his question. "I think my Mom would run you over with her car."

"No way she would do that." Steve shook his head. "She was so nice when I met her!"

"She would not be nice if you stole her weenie." You pointed out.

"Come on, she gave me a hug. No mom that's giving out free hugs could ever hit me with a car."

"That's where you're wrong. Because any woman that has so much love for her kids would do anything to seek rightful justice if you did anything to fuck with them." You corrected him. "Even if she's five foot nothing, and you're Captain America. Don't mess with her baby."

“Oh no" Steve's eyes went wide.

"What's wrong?"

"Oh shit." He panicked. "Do your parents hate me?"

"No? Why would they hate you?" You questioned with a nervous laugh.

"Because I accidentally fucked with your Mom's baby and now she's going to do anything to seek rightful justice." Steve clutched the fabric of his sweater right over his chest. "The throw up is coming back."

"I didn't tell them anything about you or Bucky, other than that you didn't let me quit right in the spot." You explained. "They love you and all of the Avengers too much for me to ever ruin their perception of the people who make them feel safe."

"So why do they think you're here?" Steve asked.

"I only told them about Harvey and the general issues I'm having with all of the other agents."

"Your sister knows." He said. "She made a weird comment..."

"She always makes weird comments, that's just what makes Jane, Jane." You smiled. "Yes, she knows, but she likes you a lot. I think she even took your side, she's been advocating for you the whole time."

"She's going to tell your mom, and your mom is going to hunt me for sport."

"No she won't, and even if she does find out about it, she's a very rational person. As long as we're fine, she's fine." You explained. "Look I'll prove it to you, say cheese!"

Quickly taking your phone out of your pocket and pointing the camera at Steve and Rocket, he smiled and you snapped a picture. He watched you type away for a few moments.

You sent the picture in a group chat with your mom and dad, then immediately got a response.

"See! Look! I said, look who came by to hang out with your favorite child." You giggled at your screen, turning it towards him so show that you sent them the picture. "My mom responded and said omg, Dad is honored. We don't know who is cuter, Rocket or Captain Rogers."

"Okay now ask if I can steal the dog." His cheeks turned an even brighter shade of pink.

"I thought the point was to make sure my mom liked you" You laughed, locking your phone and putting it on the grass besides you. "Trust that I'm doing you a favor."

"Fine, but I'm not happy about it." He joked.

"I didn't know you felt so passionately about wieners, Steven." You giggled.

"What can I say? There's nothing better than kicking back and playing with a wiener." He ran with your joke.

"A nice, long wiener."

"This is ridiculous" Steve's face scrunched up, earning more of your adorable laughter.

Like no time had passed, you and Steve sat and chatted away for a few hours. You could tell the comfortable conversation was helping him resolve his own internal guilt, so you were happy to stay and chat for as long as he needed. But selfishly, you missed him more than you ever wanted to admit to yourself.

His adorable smile and pretty pink cheeks lit up a part of your heart that you had felt so disconnected from for so long now. And as the night grew colder, and significantly later, he couldn't just ignore the occasional chills that would make you momentarily shiver. You kept ignoring them and playing them off just to spend more time with your sweet friend, but eventually you ended up tucked underneath his arm and snuggled up to his side for warmth while Rocket stayed glued to his lap.

There was little you could do to ignore how comfortable and familiar it felt to be sharing warmth with the soldier. By all means, both Steve and Bucky were touchy people on a normal day to day basis, plus all of the training you did with Steve made you very comfortable with his skin on yours.

But this was different. His head that nestled on top of yours that rested on his shoulder, his big hand on the top of you arm keeping you close and snug against him, paired the gentle and quiet volume in his voice wasn't just friendly.

His hold was apologetic, and almost regretful. It was reconnecting, and mending. You could feel all of his unspoken words seeping out from his warm body to into your cold one, and you wondered if he could feel the same thing happening to him through your timid hand resting between his shoulder blades.

Just based on his calm breaths, but still racing pulse that you could feel on his neck, you knew it was different for him too.

But it was a good different, a hopeful and very exciting different.

Much like your shivers that you ignored and played off, Steve was trying to mask his yawns. Unfortunately, this was something that you couldn't ignore. Especially when you pressed the button on your phone and the screen informed you that it was already 11:52pm.

"As sad as I am to have to put an end to this, it's already almost midnight and your crazy ass drove an hour and a half here on a motorcycle." You reminded him.

"I just got you back, I don't want to leave you again." He pouted.

"I don't want you to leave either, but I'd prefer if you got home safely." Your timid hand now gently rubbing short stripes on his back. "Or you can stay the night with me here if you'd like."

A sleepy grin overtook the sat pout. "Thank you, but once again I don't want your parents to hate me. Plus I have my stupid annual physical in the morning."

"My parents wouldn't hate you, they'd rather you be safe than drive home tired."

"I'm not that tired, I'll be okay." He reassured you. "And you can't come back to the compound?"

"No, I have to watch Rocket." You reminded him. "But I'll see you in a few days at least. I'll be back before the end of the week."

"Oh, you'll be back?" He raised an eyebrow, challenging your statement.

"To give my official resignation at the very least, or to move all of my stuff into the Avengers sector at the very most. Who's to say what's going to happen?" You giggled.

"Well, when you need help moving let me know. I know a couple guys that can lift a few thousand pounds at a time, it helps the process go by really fast." Steve egged you on.

"Uh huh, I'll keep that in mind." You rolled your eyes with a smile, and wrapped your other arm around his front to squeeze him in a sideways hug. "Thanks for coming all the way here. It was really nice getting to have a conversation with you, I really missed spending time together."

"Of course. Thank you for even giving me the chance to explain myself. If I were you, I don't know of I would be able to be that gracious." He squeezed your shoulder in appreciation.

"There isn't much I wouldn't do for you." You grinned.

"Oh yeah? What wouldn't you do?" Steve questioned with a chuckle.

"I won't let you steal my moms dog." You stated. "Which reminds me, I'm going to need that back."

"Okay, I guess you can have him back. " Steve smiled and picked up the little fur-ball from his lap and placed him on yours instead. "Thanks for letting me play with your wiener."

"Feel free to come back and play with my wiener anytime." You laughed at his joke, unwrapping yourself from him as he started standing up.

"What an incredible offer, thank you" Steve smiled, now standing over you and offering you his hand to help you up.

"Like I said, anytime." You playfully winked.

Quickly putting on Rockets leash, you set the dog on the grass and accepted Steve's hand. He pulled you up effortlessly and bent over to grab your blanket from the grass.

"How far away is your parents house?"  Steve questioned, subconsciously folding the blanket.

"About two blocks" You shrugged.

"Can I walk you guys home?" He asked, eyes twinkling once more as he shoved his hands in his front pockets to keep them warm.

"Absolutely not" You denied.

He was immediately pretending to be offended with a big gasp and hand whipped out of his pocket and over his heart. "Ma'am, it is pitch black out here and it's already midnight."

You laughed at his response. "Sir, it's pitch black and midnight. Your motorcycle is right there. I'm not letting you walk me two blocks in a neighborhood I'm familiar with because that means you'll have to walk another two blocks back here all by yourself somewhere you've never been. Logistically it makes no sense."

Steve puffed and furrowed his eyebrows. "What if some creepy dude comes and tries to mess with you? Huh? Then what?"

"Then I use all my big and scary self defense moves that Captain America taught me." You answered. "Also, do you not see this big scary guard dog? Nobody is going to fuck with me."

His pout deepened. "What if you start walking home and some dude on a motorcycle follows you all the way home?"

"Is that what's going to happen?" You giggled at his question.

"If you keep saying you're not going to let me walk you home then maybe it will." Steve shrugged.

"I've been walking by myself this late every single night for a week now." You told him. "It's always been fine, it'll be fine again."

"Now you're just trying to give me a heart attack." Steve deadpanned, earning your laugh once again.

"So I'm a good enough fighter to be an Avenger, but not good enough to walk to my parents house by myself?" You asked.

"Yes, exactly!" Steve enthused. "So glad we could have this conversation to clear that up, come one let's get you home."

His arm linked around yours and he started walking. "I think you're absolutely out of your mind, but I appreciate you nonetheless."

Looking up at his face just in time, you caught his smile. "The second half of that statement is really the only part that matters to me."

Your steps synched up with his, and Rocket walked ahead of the two of you. "Hey, Stevie?"

"Hmm?"

"If you actually want to get me home, we should be walking in the complete opposite direction" You grinned.

Steve stopped and laughed. "Okay, you lead the way."

You did eventually make it home, and only when you stood on the door step did Steve let your arms disconnect.

"Look we made it here and nobody died!" You enthused. "Do you remember how to get back?"

"Of course I do" Steve giggled at your question. "It wasn't even two full blocks."

"Just making sure" you raised your hands in defense. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"I would if I could." His thankful grin showed off the shallow dimples in his cheeks. "See you soon?"

"In a few days" you nodded in confirmation.

He stuck his arms out for one last hug, and you accepted happily. After he let go of you, he bent down to say bye to Rocket.

"Drive save! Text me when you get home." You told him.

Steve's face scrunched up for a second, causing you to look at him in confusion.

"What's wrong?"

"You blocked my phone number" He reminded you with a loud whisper.

"I'll unblock it, but text me when you get home" You giggled.

"Okay great!" Steve smiled big and did a little happy dance. "Goodnight!"

"Goodnight, love you!"

"Love you more!" He waved as he walked down the driveway.

Next Part: Twinkles

Taglist: @sarangheay @firephotogrl74 @selella @talesofadragon @ss28 @nekoannie-chan @jaqui-has-a-conspiracy-theory @spikeluv84 @crazyunsexycool @callmissrogers @xxxalicerogersxx @whore-for-chris-evans @em8rin @mulbsstuff @qalijahbydior @awkotaco24 @buckybarnessimpp @nicoline1998enilocin @buckystevelove @rogersbarber @mybuck @dbnightingale24 @ynstark @sincerelytlh @alexakeyloveloki @mrsevans90 @smhnxdiii @claralovescaptainamerica @hisredheadedgoddess28 @bigtreefest

[sleptokne]

listening party with my sis and a friend. we are sitting on my sofa in silence, listening to the new album for the first time.

10/10 is the sleep token rating default. sorry, I don't make the rules.

Look To Windward: 17/10, a fucking banger and opener for a ritual. vessel sounds so angry, the whispering through his teeth? the breakdowns? II is a monster on the drums, his blast beats? perfect. the mix of genres?? gods, fucking hell. in awe.

Emergence: 14/10, we could sing along because it was a single. such a bop. interesting choice for a first single. the saxophone has such a cowbow bebop vibe.

Past Self: 13/10, weirdly nostalgic in a good way!? the vibe is so different, like a good 2000's R'n'B song. feeling the vibe to dance along, although he is dancing alone.

Dangerous: 14/10, Depeche Mode on steroids. the beat, holy shite. won't you show me how to dance forever? it has something soothing to it, but at the same time being led into a trap by a spider. it sounds dangerous if that makes sense. it's a wee bit off. the vibe is off.

Caramel: 15/10, could sing along and did it, close to tears the entire time. this isn't lore vessel, this is as personal as gets. fucks you up in the good and bad way (affectionately). bitter taste, can't listen to it without feeling bad. we hate why this song exists.

Even In Arcadia: 20/10, too short, holy shite. this fucked us up. we sat in such a weird silence here. heavy breaths, we needed a wee break. oh. like ... in cursive cursive. scared to see that live, we will leave be even more broken than before. if that's even possible. shattered heart, fuck you vessel (affectionately).

Provider: 19/10, smooth as fuck. what the hell. vessel flexing his vocals so much. pure sex. vessel lying on top of a piano with a rose in his mouth. is he gonna strip live?? the vibe... what the fuck, dude. SMOOTH. audio porn, lol. "even in the daylight" - the night belongs to you, but this time not only bodily desires? need more listens, fuuuck. sexy sadness. depeche mode passive aggressiveness.

Damocles: 16/10, real vessel is honest with us again, heartbroken as it should be. it sounds so hopeful but so sad at the same time. THE RANGE. close to tears as well. just with a lot of sleep token songs, the pain is real. fuck me up and leave me bleeding out in the snow, i guess.

Gethsemane: 19/10, maybe more?? Thread the Needle vibes at the beginning. you feel like you weren't supposed to hear it. like you caught a glimpse of trauma. of something so personal, you feel like a voyeur for knowing this song exists. Euclid part fucked us up. as did the entire song. weird experience. feeling uncomfortable... in a good way? like a dream where you are just stuck. you can't move. you can't run. you can't do anything. feeling... dirty. it feels disturbing. because he feels so calm and angry at the same time. it feels like he is telling you something personal, something traumatising, in a casual way and with a shrug. "i know it's traumatic, but it's whatever" kinda vibe. holy fuck. just like jesus, I've have been betrayed here.

Infinite Baths: 17/10, that fucking nasty breakdown, holy. shite. HOLY SHITE. sirrrr, is that allowed?? so many phases of the song, i am in awe. it has a weird touch, it's uplifting and melancholic at the same time. it doesn't make sense but also it does. in a sleep token way, it does make sense. there is a lot to unpack.

this was the first listening. there is a lot to unpack here in general. dang boi.

[xi4oyan]

The Last Waltz in the Sea of Flowers

The wind blew with a melancholic softness, scattering petals through the air like fragments of a dream that had come undone. The field stretched as far as the eye could see, a sea of fleeting colors: white lilies bowing under the weight of time, scarlet poppies burning against the green grass, plum blossoms falling with each breeze, as if they were mourning the end of winter. The sky was painted in golden and lilac hues, the sun's last sighs before being swallowed by the horizon.

And there, among the flowers, you waited.

Silence weighed on your shoulders like a damp silk shawl, clinging to your body, reminding you of what was about to happen. Your bare feet sank into the soft earth, feeling the warm pulse of the world beneath your skin. You wanted to believe this moment could stretch forever, like a lingering note in a song that never ends.

But night always comes.

And he always leaves.

Macaque stood under the twisted shadow of a cherry tree, his golden eyes gleaming like fire trapped in amber. He was a figure that drifted between the real and the unreal, a specter the gods had forgotten to take. His dark cloak blended into the rising darkness, fluttering with the breeze that danced through the flowers. He seemed to belong to the night even before it arrived.

"Come" you called, reaching out your hand.

He did not answer immediately. His six ears, hidden among the long, wild strands of his dark hair, twitched, attuned to sounds you could not hear. Macaque always listened too much—distant voices, secrets whispered by the wind, words left unspoken, but lingering in the space between glances.

But in the end, he always came.

His steps were so light that the fallen petals on the ground did not even stir. When his hand finally touched yours, a shiver ran down your spine—his touch was cold, ethereal, as if he were already half-dissolved in time.

"You're stepping on my feet" he murmured, his voice low and hoarse, as if carrying all the words he had never been able to say.

"So you won't forget me" you replied, your fingers tightening around his.

He laughed—a brief sound, devoid of joy, lost among the rustling flowers. But something in his expression shifted, softened. As if, for an instant, he allowed himself to believe this moment could be something more than a goodbye.

The wind blew stronger, and you turned together, like two shadows entwined at dusk.

Macaque danced with a feline grace, his movements fluid, as if he were part of the wind itself. But this time, he allowed himself a misstep—he let his eyes meet yours and lingered, without looking away.

"Hold me tighter" you asked, and he obeyed.

His arms tightened around you, and for a brief moment, the world ceased to exist. There was no time, no fate, no gods watching. Only the sound of the leaves whispering stories no one else could hear. Only his breath against your skin.

Only the two of you.

But then, night began to fall.

The golden hues of the sky faded, giving way to creeping blue shadows stretching across the field. The wind changed, colder now, and Macaque stopped spinning, his gaze growing distant.

"Are you leaving?" he asked, as if he already knew the answer.

Silence was the only response.

He tilted his head slightly, and the golden glow of his eyes concealed a deep, ancient sadness, like something lost in time.

"Then dance with me" he pleaded, his fingers pressing against your waist. "Our last song."

You closed your eyes.

And danced.

Spinning, spinning, spinning—as if you could trick fate, as if you could hold onto something that always slips through your fingers. As if the world wasn't crumbling around you.

Macaque's feet moved as though they belonged to the wind itself. But now, his grip was looser, more hesitant.

Then the steps slowed.

Then the waltz came to an end.

The wind blew between you, and he smiled—a timid smile, a farewell smile.

"Because I love you" he murmured.

And it was too much of everything.

A longing that should not exist.

A pain with no name.

The field of flowers stretched endlessly, untouched, but Macaque already seemed like a distant specter, a fragment of a memory before it faded into the wind.

"Come back" you pleaded, but your voice was lost among the petals.

And he was no longer there.

[serqphites]

LOTTIENAT X READER HEADCANONS | how you sleep together

summary: just how i think sleeping with lottie and nat would go if you were dating them both! this is set after what happened with javi, nat is the antler queen and she’s dealing with the guilt of javis death being because he tried to save her

pairing: lottie x nat x reader

format: headcanons

warnings: mentions of death, nightmare?

lowercase intended! not proofread!

- okay so you definitely have the attic to yourselves

- lottie is always the first to be ready for bed

- she’d just be sat there like ‘🙂’ waiting for you and nat to join her

- when it was just you and lottie you’d sit with your head on her shoulder, her arm would be wrapped around you and she’d be softly humming a song to you

- you never knew what the song was, majority of the time you think she just made them up, but it was adorable so you never said anything about it

- when nat finishes up with her antler queen stuff, checking on everyone etc, she joins you both

- she would come up as quietly as possible, stopping halfway up the ladder to listen to lottie humming a completely made up tune to you

- at the sign of nat you’d both perk up and she’d get so nervous fr

- she’d blush sooooo bad

- nat sleeps on your left while lottie sleeps on your right, you obviously being sandwiched in between them

- when you just want to cuddle lottie stretches her arm out and you lean your head back on it, shuffling as close to her as possible

- nat snuggles into your side and lays her head on your chest

- she loves listening to your heartbeat it makes her feel so safe

- you usually just talk for a while before eventually going to sleep

- when you sleep nat lays on her back and you snuggle into her side this time

- lottie being the giant she is she spoons you and wraps her arm around you, just about being able to reach over to nat too

- lottie is so warm, who needs a fireplace when you have a portable radiator??

- nat almost every night has a nightmare of the day of her hunt, she can’t let go of what happened to javi because of her

- whenever she jolts awake in a panic, you and lottie immediately spring into action

- you join her in sitting up and keep a protective arm around her, reassuring her that she’s okay and that she’s safe

- lottie tries her hand on the heart method, sometimes it’s able to ground nat but majority of the time it does nothing so she gives up and just holds you both as close to her as possible

- you just sit with her and let her cry, let her sob about how unfair the hunt was, about how it should have been her

- it’s so sad :(

- once nat is settled again you swap positions with her, allowing her to sleep in between you and lottie instead

- lottie usually hums until you both fall back to sleep, always putting you both before herself

- eventually when you’ve all drifted back to sleep you all move around a lot

- lottie usually ends up out of her blanket somehow

- nat almost always ends up stretched out on top of you

- you can’t complain though considering it’s winter and she’s keeping you warm

- if you did ever get annoyed at her she would get SO defensive

- “i’m just trying to keep you warm” with an eye roll

- lottie still utterly stunned by how she never fails to wake up out of her blanket

a/n: hello!! god i love these silly lesbians, lottienat fics are lacking in this fandom and it makes me so sad! also if someone could help me, i have no idea how to set up one of those request post thingys? help would be very much appreciated 🙏🤍

[justmeinadaze]

Children of the Night Part 7 (Steddie X You)

A/N: Some of my own personal damage has entered the angsty chat lol Enjoy!

Warnings: Vampire Daddy Eddie/ Sub Vampire Stevie/ Sub Human Fem Reader, SMUT, dp, dirty talk, biting (obviously), mentions of blood drinking (yeah they're vampires), etc, FLUFF, they love each other :), ANGST!! (because Im me), Slight Child Abuse Trigger, we meet reader mom finally and goes about as well as you would think, mentions of feeling like/being a burden (I'm noticing a theme in my writing *thinks*), Eddie touches briefly on his childhood and his dad being in jail, these three get into a bit of a fight, I believe that be it.

Word Count: 6015

Series Here

That following morning after they fell asleep, you snuck out of their house and drove away in no particular direction. You needed to get away not because you were afraid of them or anything but because you were utterly terrified of getting them hurt again or worse. You loved them too much to allow that happen so you reverted to your default and ran. 

You had many hiding spots around the city including the bar you were sitting in. Whenever your mom would come home in a mood or bring home a guy that made your skin crawl you went to one of these places. This bar allowed you entry even when you were underage because the owner knew one of the boys you had run with. As you got older he said you were always welcome to hang out should you need to. 

A part of you hoped you were far enough away that both boys wouldn’t sense you especially since as night fell, you couldn’t feel Steve at all. Part of you thought you’d feel anger or sadness but more than anything all you felt was guilt. 

The band in front of you begins to play a song you recognize and your heart breaks as you try to subpress the tears that want to fall by knocking back another shot. 

A cold hand taps your shoulder and without saying a word your eyes lock with Steve while Eddie silently takes a seat in front of you. The newly made vampire tugs on your bicep but when you subtly shake your head, he tugs you again until you rise to your feet and walk with him to the makeshift dance floor. 

“Tears stream down your face When you lose something you cannot replace Tears stream down your face, and I.”

Wrapping his arms around your back, your hands cling to his shoulders as you force yourself to look anywhere that isn’t his face. 

“Tears stream down your face I promise you I will learn from my mistakes Tears stream down your face, and I.”

Your bottom lip trembles as images of the last few days flash through your mind including the sight of him bleeding on your bedroom floor and Eddie’s panicked voice when he thought the man he loved may be gone.

“Lights will guide you home And ignite your bones And I will try to fix you.”

Feeling your pain, Steve’s palm pressed you into his chest as his arms circled tighter around you while he listened to you cry. He kissed the top of your head while you both swayed and rested his cheek in your hair. 

As the song ended and people in the bar clapped, you hastily pushed him back and headed towards the table to grab your things. You thought Eddie would try and stop you but he didn’t, his eyes watching you with what felt like pity. 

Slamming open the bar door, you inhaled the warm but breezy night air before heading for your car. Wind whipped around you and suddenly the metalhead was blocking your entry into your vehicle. 

“Move, please.”

“You’ve been drinking. I’m not letting you drive. You may walk if you wish.”

“You’re not in charge of me anymore, Eddie.”

“Oh, yeah? I didn’t get that memo. Is that why you left without a word?”

“I’m allowed to come and go as I please.”

“Not after someone tried to murder you yesterday. It’s our job to take care of you.”

Rolling your eyes, you stomp off towards sidewalk near the beach as they followed close behind. 

“Leave me alone!”, you shout as you try to walk faster. “I don’t want to be with either of you anymore!”

Your hair blew in front of your face as Steve appeared in front of you blocking your path. 

“Ok. You don’t want to be with us anymore. That’s fine but it’s not going to stop us from looking after you to make sure you’re ok.”

“I’m not your responsibility! Trust me. You don’t want that burden.”

“Interesting word choice. Did your mother teach you that?”, Eddie replied in a snark filled tone. “Because, princess, you aren’t a burden. We like taking care of you.”

“Oh, so, these past couple of nights have been fun for you?! Watching him bleed to death and then changing him was exciting, Eddie? All the pain you went through was fantastic, Steve?!”

“What happened wasn’t your fault, Y/N.”

“YES IT IS! If you two had never met me you would have had no reason to be at my house!”

“Then you would be DEAD!”, Steve growled loudly, his eyes turning black with anger as he stepped forward. 

“Sweetheart, it’s ok. Calm down.”, the metalhead coos as he rubs his boyfriend’s back trying to comfort him. “I think you forget, little one, how all this started. Remember, I told you I always felt you. I don’t know why and I can’t control it. I felt it with Steve even before I turned but it was stronger after. If everything had played out the same way, we would have gotten involved. Each time those assholes went looking for you, they intended to kill you and I will NOT allow anyone to hurt you like that.”

As you three glare at each other, the cellphone in your pocket begins to vibrate. 

“Hello?...Yeah, that’s me…um…ok. I’ll, um, I’ll be right there.”, you sigh as you slap the device. “Steve, what time is it?”

“8pm. Why? Why do you suddenly feel nervous?”

“Can one of you run me somewhere, please?”

“Where do you need to go, princess?”

Both set of eyes were now their regular color as they scanned you over with concern. 

“LA General.”, you reply flatly.

***

“Alright, perfect and here are your visitors passes. Just let the officer outside know you’re the daughter and they will let you through.”, the nurse grinned as you grimly smiled back. 

“Um, please don’t talk when we get in there. No matter what she says. Can you at least listen to me in that regard?”, you plead as you pause at the end of the hallway to address them. 

After both boys nod, you continue along your way, telling the officer outside who you were before he opened the door and allowed you three entry.

“Hey there. Are you Y/N?”, the doctor asks, politely shaking your hand after you nod. “It looks like the prison brought her in because her wounds were too severe to for their staff to handle. The guards said she got into an altercation with one of the other inmates and was stabbed by a shiv in her side. With some surgery and lots of blood, she seems to be doing better. Part of the reason we called you at the time was because due to her medical history with her liver we thought we may need a family member to donate the matching blood type but it looks like we had the perfect type here.”

“When are they taking her back?”, you ask. 

“Um, we need to keep an eye on her for the next couple of days but by the end of the week I imagine. She is a flight risk so we do have to…”, the doctor gestures towards her wrist and the handcuffs as you sigh. 

“Thank you for everything you’ve done. I appreciate it and I’m sure she does to.”

After leaving you alone, you take a seat by the hospital bed and both men do the same on opposite sides of you. 

“Is this your…?”

“Yeah, Eddie, this is my mom.” Your sad eyes scan her over making Steve wince as he feels your pain heightens, still not used to these new vampire things he’s experiencing. “She’s been in and out for years but this is the first time she’s been stabbed. Must have really pissed someone off.”

“I’m surprised you’re listed on her contact sheet. I would have thought due to the charge she wouldn’t be allowed to see you.”, the metalhead mused.

“I’m an adult now. When I was a kid she wasn’t but that was for like 3 years. When she was sentenced to 30 years, I was about fifteen. She tried to escape a few years ago but they caught her pretty quickly. They had called me to notify me thinking she may be coming for me. They found her at a bar about four miles away.”, you chuckled before leaning back in your seat and glaring at the tile floor. 

“I told you I’m not safe. People are always come for me. I never should have reached out to you guys. I should have left you alone—”

“No, no, Y/N. You should have. I know I’ve only been a vampire for a couple of days but this feeling I feel when it comes to you and Eddie…I don’t know how to explain it. When we woke up and you were gone…it felt like—”

“There’s a hole. Like something is missing.”, Eddie answered trying to help. 

“Yeah. If this is what he was feeling for two years after moved here…God, I wish I had known. I would have done anything to help him find out what they were and then find you.

“I thought it was just normal. I love Steve so much but there was always that nagging feeling that somethingwas amiss. Even you said those first few nights, I smiled more and laughed when you were there.”

A tear fell down your cheek as you shook your head. 

“You almost had that feeling again but worse because Steve was almost killed. I felt the things he experienced when he thought you were gone, Eddie. I can’t…I can’t do it. I love you both too much.”

“Jesus fucking Christ. Did I die?”, your mother whines as she cringes opening her eyes. “Trust me, she’s right. She was always meant to get in the way and ruin lives. Seriously, ask the condom that broke when she was conceived.”

Both vampires growled but she was in too much of a haze to notice as she tried to sit up. 

“What happened, mom? Why are people stabbing you now?”

“Because people keep trying to take what’s mine! Why are you even here, Y/N? Go away.”

“They called me because they thought they might need my blood since you’ve damaged all your other organs with years of alcohol. Blood that isn’t family’s surprising didn’t shock your system into shut down.”

“Always so fucking mouthy.”, she groans as she tries to reach for the call nurse button. “At least I can get some drugs.”

“Oh, mama. I’m sorry. Didn’t they tell you? As a ‘former alcoholic’ you don’t get the hard stuff but the Tylenol should be enough.”

At your sarcastic comment, Eddie and Steve felt both pain and satisfaction course through them as memories flashed through your mind. 

“Get. OUT! I didn’t want you here then and I don’t now!”

“Don’t talk to her that way.”, the pretty boy snarled in a deep tone. 

“Steve…please. You promised me.”, you plead. 

“Sweetheart, she shouldn’t be talking to you like this and you shouldn’t allow it.”

“Shouldn’t allow it? Are you fucking kidding me?! She’s weak just like her father was. Why do you think she ran off constantly?! She could never stay and face the music of trouble she caused so she ran and opened her legs to anyone who would take her. I’m not surprised you two fell for it! NOW GE—”

The wind swirled around you as the lights in the room turned off except for the overhead lamp above her hospital bed. Both vampires were on either side of her with Eddie’s palm placed over her mouth. 

“You know, I have a dad like you. Spent most of my life in and out of prison for petty crimes while abusing me and my mother. After she died, he just went out of control until they gave him life back home in Indiana. Thankfully, I had an uncle who took care of me after and then fell in love with a man who loved me for me. Unfortunately, your daughter didn’t have that. She spent her ENTIRE LIFE fighting for it up until a few weeks ago.”

“She seems to think all the bad things that have been happening are her fault. I wonder why that is.”, Steve asked rhetorically. “You don’t deserve her. Even now after everything you said she’s worried we’re going to kill you and, honestly, if she or Eddie wasn’t here I may have followed through with that.”

His eyes turned black in anger as her own widened in fear. 

“Stop it. Leave her be.”, you beg. “Please.”

“Are you sure, baby girl?”, Eddie murmured before abruptly both sets of black eyes looked your way. “Lose the attitude, Y/N.”

“I didn’t say anything.” You glared at them with a fury of your own. “But I guess it doesn’t matter. You’re going to do whatever the fuck you want anyway and I am NOT your baby girl. Not anymore.”

“You want us gone, honey? To ‘protect’ us?”, Steve growled as he began walking towards you. “Fine. Your wish is our punishment.”

Wind blew again and the lights blinked on leaving you and your mother alone.

“Jesus, this medication is a lot stronger than I realized.”, she sighed as you sat down again and began to sob.

##############

True to your request, they left you be and it killed you. Even worse, they hadn’t streamed at all in over two weeks so you weren’t able to even see their faces except in your dreams. Occasionally, you checked the chatter on their site doing the job they had paid you for while reading through people’s comments. 

Most of their fans seemed to think the police had succeeded in scaring them away while others thought you were the reason saying that Mina must have talked them out of it for one reason or another. 

A knock on your door one Saturday afternoon startled you but you were prepared, grabbing a nearby knife as you peaked through the curtain. 

“Dustin? Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Hey, Y/N. May I come in? I swear it’s just me.” Nodding, you allowed the boy entry and gestured towards your couch for him to take a seat. “Oh, um, I won’t be here that long but I just came down to check on Eddie and Steve. Seems Harrington is struggling a bit with being a vampire. Not because of you or anything!”, he quickly countered when your head hung. “At least…I don’t think so.”, Dustin sighs as he leans against your kitchen counter. 

“Mike and I did a ton of research after Steve said Eddie was still alive to try and get some explanation about why he is the way that he is without resorting to regular vampire lore but we couldn’t find anything outside of D&D. Over the past two years, he seems to follow the regular no sunlight, needs blood, and hates crosses but what I’ve always questioned is that feeling thing he’s mentioned.”

“I know in some comics when a vampire turns another they have a connection and can feel each other’s emotions or share memories kind of like what he told me happened after you drank his blood. What confuses me is, you and Steve weren’t turned when he felt you two.”

“Dustin, honey, why are you telling me this?”

The boy sighs again as he crosses his arms over his chest. 

“I’m thinking…that has to mean something, right? Whether it be chemical, cosmical, or supernatural… and the fact that Steve feels it to… that’s not a coincidence, Y/N. They both have been having a hard time and you can see it in their faces… I can see it in yours to.”

“They are streaming tonight. They are going to answer questions and just be seen. I think that will be good for them to get their minds focused on something. Maybe, you should do the same.”

After giving him a hug and walking him out, you sat in front of your computer screen and stared at the blank background for what felt like hours before heavily exhaling and logging into their site. People were a buzz with the fact that they would finally be seeing the vampire they adored so much and the human that took care of him. They had no idea. 

Their grainy faces suddenly illuminated your moniter and your heart shattered into a million pieces. Steve didn’t look like the man you had met a couple of months ago but a shell of someone else. His skin was unbelievably pale and his hair hung in front of his eyes blocking a lot of his face from your view. His body folded into itself as the beautiful smile you had fallen in love with was noticeably absent.  Eddie didn’t look any better as he quietly maneuvered the mouse in front of him as his black eyes scanned the screen. 

“Hey…hey everybody. I know it’s been a while but, um, as you can see I’ve been taking care of Renfield. I…uh…I had to turn him so…”

StokersQueen: “Doesn’t Renfield die after he’s turned? Are we going to lose him?!”

“No…no we aren’t going to lose him. We’ve just been going through a lot right now.”

Dracula4ever: “Is it because of that bitch Mina? I notice she’s not there this time.”

Both men growled at the comment.

“Don’t disrespect her like that.”

Dracula4ever: “Oh please! This show used to be awesome but you bring in one slut and everything changes!”

Dracula4ever has been booted from the stream.

“Mina?”, Eddie asked as his eyes scanned the screen for any confirmation. 

Babygirl85: “Come on, Mina! If you’re there, say something!”

Justhereironically: “MINA! <3”

InnocentLittleMina: “Even if she be not harmed, her heart may fail her in so much and so many horrors; and hereafter she may suffer--both in waking, from her nerves, and in sleep, from her dreams.”

The metalhead exhaled at your quote of the novel as the fans in chat went wild with awes and even more questions. 

“Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks on this earth is the one who finds—”

“…true love.”, Steve finishes the quote with a deep tone that sounds nothing like his regular voice. “We miss you.”

“But we aren’t going to force you, sweetheart.”

Exhaling, they close their eyes as they feel all your emotions run through your body before finally landing on desperate wanting and immense love that you had never felt for anyone in your entire life. 

InnocentLittleMina: “I’m scared. Seeing you two in so much pain… I love you so much. I don’t…”

“I know. I know, Mina, but what happened wasn’t your fault. Your mom and childhood weren’t your fault. All the idiot men in your life who hurt you wasn’t because of you. Even as a human, princess, I would have done the same things to protect you because we love you to.”

“You deserve all the love you give to people, honey. It’s ok to let us take care of you and believe me. Out of everything I’ve experienced, this…”, Steve gestures to himself. “…is nothing. I get what Dracula is saying now when it comes to us and our guilt. NONE of this is your doing or your fault.”

They both softly smile at the camera as Eddie leans towards it as if he’s looking into your eyes. 

“Come back to Daddy, baby.”

You don’t even turn off your computer as you swivel in your chair and run towards the front door. Heavy rain hits your face as you search for your keys once you get to your car but ring laced hands abruptly grip your waist and after you blink you find yourself in their bedroom. 

Need overtakes you three as they lay on either side of you and remove your wet clothes while kissing any part of your skin they could reach. 

The sound of constant binging makes Eddie grunt in frustration as a grin stretches across your face. 

“You—mmm—you left the sound on.”, you pant.

Steve’s lips kiss along that sweet spot on your neck as the other vampire whooshes to computer, cheekily smiling as he quickly moves the mouse. 

“Sorry, guys. The three of us need to have a chat that doesn’t involve an audience.”

Getting annoyed with the machine in front of him, he yanks the cord from the wall before sprinting back beside you and attaching his mouth to your neck as well. Their hips grinded against your thighs as the pads of Steve’s fingers played with your clit.

After tilting back to remove his shirt, Eddie leans over your body and a long line of spit leaves his lips falling between your folds as the other boy collects it, pushing it into your pussy with his fingers making you groan. 

The feeling of teeth against your thigh makes you jump and the metalhead’s black eyes meet yours as they silently ask for permission before you nod your approval. Tugging on Steve’s arm, he brings him between your legs, kissing him passionately as their fingers play with your cunt. Both their lips travel along opposite limbs, licking and lightly sucking their way up to your meaty flesh. 

When their fangs penetrate your thighs at the same time, your eyes roll back as the pleasure courses through you. It wasn’t meant to feed, only to sustain as they snacked on your blood while their fingers moved faster against you; Eddie playing with your clit with his thumb while Steve quickly thrust his two digits into your center. 

Coming off you with a pop, you watch as the long-haired vampire made sure his boyfriend healed you properly before doing it himself. They licked your blood of their face and the sight alone had you shuddering as you came. 

“D-Daddy…”, you whimpered as he quickly came up to kiss your lips.

Flipping on to his back, he maneuvered you till you were sitting on his face while hovering over his hard, leaking cock. Spiting over the tip, you smeared it down him with your palm, enveloping your mouth around his length as Steve kissed random parts of your skin. 

Eddie’s tongue immediately began devouring you, flicking against your bundle of nerves as he wrapped his arms around your waist to hold you to him. 

“You look so beautiful like this. So fucking sexy.”, Steve murmured as his face pressed against the side of yours, his humid breathes warming your cheek.

Tilting his head just below yours, his mouth kissed and sucked on his boyfriend’s balls making him buck his hips up in pleasure, choking you slightly as drool spilled from your lips. 

As his lips encased around your clit, the sudden intrusion of Eddie’s finger into your ass simultaneously made you gasp as both vampires mewled at the feeling it gave as it coursed through them as well. 

“Did you like that, baby?”, Steve asked in a low seductive grumble that had you clenching around the other man’s tongue as he shook his head and pressed his face deeper into you. “Yeah? Fuck! I can feel you both. Have you ever had someone fuck you like that before?”

While your hand continued to pump him, Eddie slid another finger inside of you, stretching you further till your vision blurred as your orgasm was swiftly approaching. 

“Answer me, honey. Have you?”

“N-No. Please Daddy. It feels…”

“Yeah? Tell us, baby. How does it feel?” Pressing his nose to your cheek again, your mouth fell open as the English language left your brain. “Come on, Y/N. How does it feel?”

“Good! So fucking good! Please don’t stop!”

Steve grinned as he tenderly petted your head, opening his mouth wide, and holding his own head still as the Eddie rutted his hips quickly, thrusting his cock deep down the vampire’s throat. 

Your release rippled through you as you screamed into his flesh beneath you. Once you had come down, the metalhead firmly pulled on your hair, bringing you up so your back was to his chest while Steve laid in front of you. 

“W-W-Wait, please.” Both vampires pause as your little pleading voice cuts through their need. “If…If we do this…I want Eddie and Steve. Please…I’ve never…”

As they both blink, you watch as their fangs recede and their soft brown color eyes push forward. Eddie’s arm slides under the pillow around your front, hugging you to him as he kisses your shoulder. 

“Everything’s ok, baby girl. You’re safe. If you don’t feel comfortable or you want to stop just let us know ok?”

“Ok, Daddy. Just go slow please.”

As Steve caressed your cheek, you felt the metalhead lean away from you before a bottle popped open and he was on you again. You gasp at the oddly warm feeling of the lube as he works his fingers to take care of you.

Seeing the nervousness flash through your eyes, the other vampire softly tried to soothe you. 

“Daddy’s right, honey. You’re okay. Everything is okay.”

“I saw your first time with him.”, you smile as you cling to Eddie’s arm around your chest. “I felt how scared you were before.”

“Did you see how long we laid there till he really started moving? I thought I was ruining the mood.”, he chuckles. “But he made me feel safe…loved. I trusted him.”, he coos as his eyes flick briefly behind you. “I know you do to because we can feel it and we trust you, Y/N.”

A tear fell down your face and he quickly wiped it away. 

“I’m so sorry, Steve.”

“Hey, look at me. This isn’t your fault. Say it, honey.”

“What happened to you isn’t my fault.”

“I don’t believe you.”, Eddie added as his stern eyes looked you over. “Say it again.”

“What happened to Steve wasn’t my fault.”, you responded with a bit more confidence making them smile. 

“Good girl, sweetheart. Are you ready?”

“Yes, Daddy.”

“Do you think you can help me, pretty girl?” Taking a hold of one of your wrists, he brought one of your arms behind you and placed your hand on your behind. “Just hold it open for me so I can go slow, ok?”

After nodding, you did what he asked, your breath catching when you felt his cock line up with your entrance. As he began pushing himself into your ass, your body went stiff as your face scrunched in pain. 

“Breathe, Y/N. Relax, honey. It’s going to hurt more if you don’t relax.”, Steve whispers, resting his forehead on yours.

Doing small thrusts behind you, Eddie was pushing himself inch by inch, trusting that you or Steve would stop him should he need to. A small grumble immitted from his chest and his boyfriend reciprocated as his mouth fell open in a silent moan. 

“Fuck, baby. He’s having so much trouble control himself.” As the pretty boy murmurs to you, his hands begin to roam, kneading your breasts down to your center. “God damnit. You’re so wet. Does it feel good now, Y/N?”

Between his words and Eddie’s hold on you as he split you open, you couldn’t open your mouth. Hell, you could barely remember your name as the pain subsided and the need for him to fully take you took over. 

When his hips connected with yours, you whimpered as your head fell forward. 

“Talk to us, baby, please.”

“M-Move. You…you can move now.”

“Hang on, princess. We—fuck—we need to see if you can handle us both. God fucking damn it. Are you fucking kidding me?” 

You knew he wasn’t talking to you because you felt it to. You were so full of him you could only imagine how tight you were squeezing him. 

“Y/N, honey, I’m going to lift your leg over my waist, ok?”

“Ok, Steve.”

Scooting closer to you, his palm tenderly ran along the skin of your thigh as he pulled your leg over his hip causing you and Eddie to groan as your body jostled slightly. Running his mushroom tip along your slit, he collected your slick before slowly pushing his cock into your center. 

Your arm immediately shot out under his own to cling to his shoulder as a bunch of pleasurable feelings overwhelmed your senses. 

“Oh my god.”

Both vampires made subtle motions, pulling back slightly before thrusting all the way inside of you again. 

“Are…Are you ok, Y/N?”, Steve asked, his voice a mix between his and the gruff timbre of his vampire tone.

Nodding aggressively, you encourage them to make you theirs and they don’t disappoint. The obscene sound of skin slapping against skin fills the room mixed with loud moans from all three of you. They both hit a steady rhythm hitting all those sensitive spots inside of you at the same time till you were sobbing as your nails dug into their flesh. 

“Fuck… bite me.”

A different type of want and need flows through them at your request as they snarl under their breath. Lifting your head, you rest your cheek on Steve’s as he doesn’t even hesitate, breaking your skin with his fangs and draining your blood. Eddie tugs on his hair and the boy growls causing the metalhead to roughly grip his face. 

“I didn’t hear you fucking ask. She’s not in charge of your pleasure, I am.” Their black eyes glare at each other before he releases him to continue feeding. “I’ll deal with that attitude later.”

Turning his attention back to you, his demeanor softens. 

“Are you sure about this?”

“Yes, Daddy, please. I trust you. I trust you, baby.”

Biting the other side of your throat, your eyes roll and flutter closed as they pound into you harder, clinging to each other over you as they eat. The bed shakes at their quickened pace and your fingers tangle in Eddie’s hair behind you as you drag your nails down Steve’s back. 

You cum harder than you ever had in your entire life, shuddering against them as your body goes limp. 

“Please…”

Your tone was smaller than before but it practically screamed in their ears as they released you letting your head fall. You watched with hazy, half lidded eyes as their lips mingled together; panting into each other’s mouths as they came.

Steve head fell hard against the pillow as he tried to catch his breath while Eddie hastily healed the wounds on your neck, kissing them softly as they closed.

“Since its both of us breaking your skin, I don’t want to leave you exposed like that. Are you alright, baby?”

After carefully pulling out of you, the vampire in front of you tenderly pushed your hair away from your face as he checked you over. 

“H-Heavy…”

“I’m going to get her something to eat.”

While waiting for him to return, Eddie slowly pulled out of you as well, murmuring apologies as you winced. Running back to the bed, you grimaced at the sandwich Steve held in his hands. 

“I know it seems like a lot but we’ll just take little bites, okay?”

As delicately as he could, the long-haired vampire sat up, bringing you with him so you could utilize him to lean against as you ate and drank the water they gave you. 

“We’re kind of back to the trial and error stage. I was going to bring a coke but I wasn’t sure if that would be too much sugar plus you need to hydrate.”

“Maybe juice next time?”

“Yeah… I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.”

“It’s been a rough couple of weeks.”

You heard them talking but they both sounded so far away. You had never been in this headspace before; the little girl headspace. Even as a child you weren’t really allowed to be one having to grow up pretty quickly in your environment. An adults mindset found you before you entered your double digits and battled with the developing child you had been. Even as a current adult, you felt them go toe to toe constantly but right now in this moment… all you heard was the little girl.

“Baby, what’s going on?”

Blinking, your glassy eyes turned to face them as you scrunched your nose in thought.

“I’ve never…felt little…like this before. My…my mind…is so quiet. I’ve never… I’m sorry for leaving.” The crack in your voice broke their hearts as Steve set everything aside so he could move closer to you and hug you with Eddie. 

“It’s ok, sweetheart. You’re here now and these past few weeks have been scary for all of us.”

“I saw you on the screen. What happened? Were you not eating? Dustin said Steve was struggling.”

Before answering your questions, they took you in their arms and brought you to a bath. After setting you in the warm water and cleaning your skin, they each took a seat near the tub with Steve on the edge and Eddie on the floor reaching over to pet your head. 

“We don’t know how to explain it and, to be honest, we didn’t want to because we didn’t want you to feel like…you HAD to be here. I told you before I always felt you but after having you and losing you—”

“It was like being stabbed again.”, Steve cut in. “Honey, I was in love with you before but after turning and feeling what Eddie had been talking about… I felt like I did when I lost him.”

“Steve, I’m—”

“No, no, baby. I’m not saying it to make you feel bad. I just…all of my feelings were…are… amplified to a 10 and I didn’t want to do anything let alone eat. We did of course but it was never enough. Never enough to fill that hole of you not being here.”

“You complete us, sweetheart. You ARE a part of us and like Stevie said, we aren’t saying this to make you feel bad. If you want to leave again you can and we won’t stop you but even though you’re not a vampire I feel like you felt the same things we did.”

“I knew from the first time I saw you on your stream… I knew that I loved you; both of you. I just thought maybe I was being crazy.”, you giggle making them chuckle as well. “Not being near you or even seeing your faces these past couple of weeks has just killed me. I dreamed about you every night.”

“So did we, honey.”

While Eddie lifted you out of the tub and got you in comfy clothes, Steve rapidly changed the sheets so you three could promptly climb into bed. 

“Thank you for being so gentle with me.”

“Of course, pretty girl. Did you like it? What we did.” When you nod your head, his fingers caress your face and travel up into your hair. “Can you say it?”

“I liked what we did together?”

“What did we do, baby?”

Biting your bottom lip, you blush as he smiles while the other vampire settles in beside you. 

“I liked feeling you and Steve inside at me at the same time.”

“Good. We can show you so much more whenever your ready. Steve and I have experimented with a lot especially when we were starting to delve into the dominate world. Tomorrow I can show you one of those things when I punish this bad boy over here.”

“Me? What did I do?”

“You didn’t ask to feed on her and you gave me attitude. Who controls your pleasure?”

“You do.”

“I’m sorry, what? I didn’t hear that. Did you hear that, baby girl?”

“No, Daddy, I didn’t.”

Steve smirks as you and Eddie grin at him with wide, beautiful, tooth filled smiles. 

“I said you do, Daddy.”

#################

@chelebelletx @mandyjo8719 @nailbatanddungeon

[ur-mom-did-69]

Did We Say Goodbye?

Nika Muhl x oc

Word count: 1.2k

I really really suggest listening to the song!!

The party, which was a big one at Nika’s friend's house, had turned out to be a bust right from the get go. The keg had been tapped out way too quickly, and the lukewarm cans of beer that were left over that hardly anybody wanted to drink. Added to that, the air around the gathering seemed thick with loud conversations and not enough personal space that everybody was trying their best to ignore. Cameron leaned silently against the railing on the porch, her cell phone clutched in the palm of one hand and a plastic cup squeezed in the other, which she had not drunk from in at least an hour. She sat in anticipation, waiting for Nika—or rather, she was just hoping that something would turn up, some sign that tonight was not going to end in utter catastrophe.

The night was deceptively calm, the kind that should have been perfect for sneaking off with your girlfriend to sit under the stars and talk about everything and nothing. But Cameron's stomach churned, a mixture of frustration and dread. They'd been fighting more lately, the strain of their schedules and mismatched priorities pushing them apart in ways that felt irreversible.

She heard the unmistakable and familiar hum of Nika's car before she actually saw it come into view. The sleek sedan pulled smoothly onto the gravel driveway, and for a moment, a wave of relief washed over her, bringing a moment of temporary ease. But as Nika emerged from the vehicle, her body language spoke volumes beyond any words. Her shoulders were stiff, and her lips pressed firmly into a thin line-clearly, this wasn't going to be a peaceful or easy conversation.

"Hey," Nika said as she approached Cameron, cool and clipped, without any hint of warmth.

“Hey," Cameron replied, with a hint of urgency in the sound of her voice as she promptly shoved her phone into her pocket. "I didn't think you'd actually come."

"You texted me five times," Nika said with one raised eyebrow. "I figured it must be important enough to warrant that much communication."

Cameron winced a little at the reminder. "I just… I really wanted to talk to you about some things that have been on my mind."

"Great," Nika said, crossing her arms in a gesture indicating she was ready to listen. "So, talk.”

The words did not flow so easily from Cameron's mind and out of her mouth. Cameron turned to Nika, who wasn't just her girlfriend but someone who had been there through the thick and thin, she was overcome by a deep sadness that tore at her heart. They once had a connection that seemed impossible to break, profoundly strong. Yet now, it seemed as though they were standing on opposite sides of a huge canyon, each one yelling into the vastness that separated them.

"I really don't know how much more of this I can handle," Cameron finally managed to utter, her voice shaking with emotion. "It feels like we're always either fighting with each other or just ignoring each other altogether.

Nika’s jaw tightened as she felt a surge of frustration. “You really think I don’t feel the same way you do? I’m literally killing myself trying to manage everything, including school, basketball, and our relationship. And every single time I make a mistake, it feels as if you’re just sitting there, ready to remind me of it.”

“That’s not fair at all,” Cameron shot back with equal intensity. “You honestly don’t think I’m trying just as hard? I’ve been waiting for you to make an effort to meet me halfway in this, but it feels like basketball is the only thing that truly matters to you above everything else.”

“Because it is," Nika snapped with frustration. "It's my future, Cam, the very thing that defines me. It's the only thing I've ever been good at in my life, and I simply can't-I won't-allow it to slip away from me.”

The words hung in the air, unbending, their tension tangible. Cameron felt the sting of those words deep in her heart, but she could also feel the deep pain lurking behind Nika's eyes. It wasn't just anger that she was seeing; it was fear and desperation combined, oozing out so powerfully that it was unmistakable. Nika was fighting for her dreams, and in that fight, Cameron found herself wrestling with the unsettling feeling of losing her girlfriend in the process.

The silence stretched on uncomfortably until finally Nika let out a sigh, running a hand through her hair in frustration. "Look, I didn't come here with the intention to fight or argue. I just… I really don't know what it is that you want from me."

Cameron swallowed hard, the words hanging heavily in her throat, her voice emerging barely above a whisper. "I just want you, that's all."

Nika's eyes softened ever so slightly for a brief moment, but then she quickly looked away, her gaze becoming fixed on some distant point in the vast night beyond. "Maybe that's not enough for us anymore.”

The words hit her like a punch to her stomach, and she stood there for a moment, too stunned to react. Cameron blinked several times, her vision beginning to blur as tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill over and run down her cheeks. "So that's it? You're just going to give up on us completely?"

"I don't know," Nika admitted with a heavy sigh, her voice tinged with uncertainty. "I genuinely don't know how to fix this situation we're in. And honestly, I don't think you have a clear solution either."

Cameron felt an uncomfortable tightening in her chest, but despite the overwhelming urge to cry, she refused to let the tears fall. Not at this moment. Not in this place. "So what does that mean? You're simply going to leave us behind?"

For a moment, Nika stood in a daze, as though weighing her options and pondering the consequences of each choice. Then, as if after an eternity, she nodded her head slowly. It was a reluctant, almost agonized motion-as if the weight of this action was like driving the final nail in a coffin. "I think I need to," she said, her voice tinged with resignation.

Cameron stepped backward, crossing her arms carefully to hold herself in place and prevent her automatic instinct to reach out to Nika. She watched intently as Nika turned around and began walking toward her car, the crunch of loose gravel beneath her shoes loud with every step. The door slammed shut with a solid thud, and almost immediately, the engine roared to life in a surefire sign of her leaving. For one brief second, Cameron clung to the hope that Nika might turn around, say something that would somehow make everything between them different.

But in the end, she didn't.

The car rolled out of the drive with a soft rumble, blowing a thick cloud of dust all over the place, and kicked off down the road. There Cameron stood, frozen solid, her heart pounding loudly in her chest while her mind replayed all the moments of the night like a film on repeat. She could feel that she had seen something so deep in Nika's eyes; maybe it was regret, or at least a little love in them. And in those moments, it didn't matter anyhow. Nika was gone.

And as Cameron continued blankly staring down the void of the road stretching before her house, she suddenly realized, with the sinking feeling in her stomach, that she couldn't even remember if they had said a proper good-bye to each other.

[ever-4sunlight]

𝑮𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒂𝒄𝒕 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒄𝒂𝒏𝒏𝒐𝒏𝒔

𝑯𝒐𝒘 𝒊𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒂 𝒓𝒆𝒍𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎

𝑰𝒏𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒅𝒆𝒔- 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒆𝒎𝒐 𝒃𝒐𝒚𝒔 (𝒘𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒓, 𝒌𝒂𝒛𝒖𝒉𝒂, 𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒙𝒊𝒂𝒐)

warnings: none || pronouns: no pronouns used

✨This is my first headcannon so it might be bad✨

𝑾𝒂𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒓

He is pretty arogant so your lucky you got him to be your boyfriend

He isn't very lovely to anyone but when he is with you he can get a little friendly

"Your ccrying? Again? God dammit your such a crybaby... Come here" he would just hug you and let you cry your pretty little eyes out

loves to talk to you but is also good at manipulating you into doing things so be careful

He is not someone who likes to be touched and also not someone who touches other often

He doesn't really know what the word love is but he feels different being with you your just something special

If he ever touches you i would say he would have his arms around your waist and his face in your neck just wanting to be as close as possible so if he allows you to touch him DO IT!>:( he wants affection right now

He is also very possessive over you that means if you want to go out he will lever let you go without him being by your side just in case something happens

He hates when you talk to others your his and no one else should get you!

Possible Sexuallity: im not sure maybe bi? Or even pan? It doesn't matter to him what gender someone is as long as he loves you

His love language is probably: quality time

𝐾𝑎𝑧𝑢ℎ𝑎

He doesn't talk much and is pretty calm one of the kindest guys definitely a green flag!

He will comfort you when your sad being with yiu while holding you in his arms just listening to all your problems

Just watch him doing stuff! He likes to see that your interested in seeing what he is doing

He didn't got hugged after the death of his friend so he can calm himself all alone if he wants to be touched just wrap his arms around him or lay your head on his shoulders he loves seeing you do that and also does that to you

He llikes to spend time with you, your his lover after all!

He will tell you how much he loves you while hugging you

Possible Sexuallity: i dont know. _. Hes confusing me

His love language is probably words: of affirmation

𝑽𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊

He is a very affectionate person he loves being with you and talking the whole day if he could he wouldn't let you have a word

He isn't sure how to comfort sad people but he tries his best! "hey... Uhh... You alright? Haha..." he would pat your shoulder laughing nervously at the situation

This man wants your attention! He will get it at all cost! He will hug you as much as possible touching your face, cuddling you or having his arms wrapped all around you so you cant escape

He will give you everything! He finds some beautiful flowers? He will give all of them to you! He sees clothes that wiuld suit you perfectly? He will get it for you! Yes hes broke but he is a bard not a rich man

Humming llullabys and songs while cuddling you stroking your hair he just wnats to be close to you

He will tell you 1000 Times a day how much he loves you

possible Sexuallity: pansexual

His language is probably: everything!

𝑿𝒊𝒂𝒐

Our favorite yaksha he isn't someone who likes being around people and talking is not something he loves, just sitting the roof of Wangshu inn holding your hand and looking at the night sky not saying a single word

If your ever sad he will hold you close and stroke your hair telling you that everything is alright and that hes here for you

He isn't someone who knows what affection is but you being on his side or leaning against him making his chest fele warm

He will giev your everything that reminds him of you if a bird reminds him of you he will gift it to you

He wont tell you how much he loves you but the way he looks at you when your staring into the sky shows clearly that your special to him he loves you more then everything after all this suffering in his life he found you

I hhe wnats affection he lays his head on your thighs of course he will ask first! He doesn't want you to be uncomfortable he loves it when your having your head against his chest knowing your safe around him

He will do anything for you! You want something to eat? He gets ut for you, your stomach hurts? Hes there to comfort you holding you as close as possible nlt letting go before your well again

possible Sexuallity: a-sexual

His love language is probably: acts of service and gifts

[brandogenius]

hellooo :b can we get a oneshot of the reader surprising pheobe on tour after they’ve been apart for months? I feel like it’ll be so sweet :(

of course!!

‼️RPF‼️

Surprises on tour.

Phoebe x reader

Word count: 1,580

the house being empty without phoebes presence was something you hated. no laughter or yelling as phoebe threw flour at you while baking cupcakes. no sounds of phoebe humming tunes to unreleased songs of hers filling the air. it was quiet and empty.

of course, phoebe promised nightly phone calls before both of you went to sleep after her shows. usually for an hour or two, both of you would catch up on your day. phoebe telling you all about what went on backstage, while you rambled on about the gossip you heard in the store.

tonight’s phone call was a bit different. the smile on phoebes face was wide as she listened to you. the connection and service sometimes cutting in and out as the tour has traveled to their new destination.

“where are you?” phoebes asks through the phone. noticing the layout behind you wasn’t the same as the shared bedroom both of you are so familiar with.

“at my friends house. staying while she’s out of town” phoebe nodded “you’re not coming to the show tomorrow?” there was a lace of sadness and disappointment in phoebes voice, ringing throughout the phone. you tried your best to look sad and upset. not wanting to ruin the plan.

“unfortunately.. bad timing baby. i’ll try come to the next show in new york?” you looked up from the phone, glancing down at your suitcase. the hotel was big and spacious. a double bed, for one person tonight- room for a familiar platinum silver woman to join you tomorrow.

“that’s fine” phoebe reassured, bundled up in your hoodie. you rested your head on the hotel pillow, holding the phone above your face. “honey, it is pretty late. you need sleep before the gig tomorrow” you checked the time on the phone. 12:45am.

phoebes laughed. the small dim light from the bunk illuminating her face. the way her eyes scrunched up when laughing made you smile. “ even millions of miles apart, you still are worried about my sleep schedule. rest assured i will be sleeping the minute we end call”

you felt satisfied with the answer as you nodded. “i’ll let you sleep now then baby. you text me when you wake up alright?”

phoebe nodded on the other side, giving a thumbs up.

“i miss you” phoebe frowned, her voice small. you smiled a bit, feeling your heart hurt a bit. “don’t get sappy on me tonight. you’ll be back here in two months.” the older woman looked away for a moment “i suppose so.. just missing those cuddles and late night chats”

“i know you do baby” you chuckled. checking the time again you watched as phoebe moved around in her bunk. moving onto her side as she propped the phone up against the wall.

“go to sleep baby”

getting phoebe to sleep was always a bit of a challenge. as someone who has a shit sleep schedule, she values the free time she has in the night. taking it as a form of alone time to be able to scroll freely on social media without the countdown before she gets her hair done or having to preform on stage.

she knew you were looking out for her but it was different. phoebe was a clingy person especially at night. always loving to hold onto someone or something. extra pillows stuffed into her bunk to hold onto at night and pretend it was you beside her. back at home when not on tour, both of you would stay awake until early hours. talking and rambling about anything. it was phoebes favourite time of the night. you allowing her to come up with topics for both of you to debate on.

is pineapple on pizza allowed or should it be banned?

which is the better hair colour, pink hair or blue?

they were silly little debates that kept both of you awake till sunrise. in each others arms, legs tangled as you were given the role of defending pinapple on pizza to be the best whilst phoebe have herself the role of wanting it to be banned.

it was something that entertained both of you. then there was the more serious, deep conversations. some on the topic of mental health, the world crisis, climate change and politics.

phoebe just liked to hear you talk for hours on end. something about hearing you dive deep into theories and why you believe each star represents someone who was once on this earth, intrigues her. you had a way with how you phrased stuff. an intelligent grasp on words that made phoebe wonder how you could possible say something so poetic about pineapple or stars.

phoebe guesses you were doing a good thing. forcing the blonde to shut off her phone while the buss driver drove overnight to the state for their performance. LA was on their next stop. closest to home and closest to you. there wouldn’t have been time to visit you with the schedule packed with unloading and preparing for the show.

but at least she can be thankful every night. shutting off the phone at a reasonable time, waking up at 6am to get ready for the day. when on a normal day, the two of you would be going to sleep at this time.

shutting off the phone, the silver haired woman grabbed the nearest pillows, hugging them close to her chest as she shut her eyes, waiting for the bus to stop.

-

you were always considered a morning person. waking up to the sound of the birds chirping always gave you immense joy.

waking up at 9am was a bit later than normal for you. you didn’t have much to do other than get ready and head to the venue. you had it prepared a week in advance. discussing amongst lucy and julien to surprise phoebe on tour.

it has been four months since you last seen your girlfriend. it was needed. you had it schemed out. book a hotel in LA close to the stadium and surprise phoebe backstage.

lucy working with the security to make sure you get in without anyone noticing. she was going to meet you at the venue in an hour so you had time to prepare.

taking a quick shower and putting on some makeup, you made your way to the hotel lobby. booking a taxi to the arena wasn’t that bad. it was a quick ride. you tipped the driver, sending a quick message to lucy.

not long after, lucy makes her out. the brings you into a hug. “it’s been so long” the taller woman announced, breaking away from the hug, slinging a lanyard around your neck. ‘CREW’ was written in big bold letters.

“it’s been too long” you answered, walking with lucy into the venue. lucy herself had a lanyard with ARTIST on it. staff instantly recognising and allowing both of you to enter.

you were nervous. was phoebe going to be mad at you? would she be excited? so many thoughts ran through your brain as lucy lead you down the hallway. staff and crew busied themselves with preparing for the upcoming show tonight.

lucy stopped you outside the dressing room door. “i’ll go in first and you come in after me yeah?” lucy tilted her head, smiling at you. you nodded your head, feeling anxious. “yeah sure-“ you watched as lucy opened the door, slipping into the room.

you quietly snuck in. phoebes back was turned to you as lucy talked to her. julien was sat on the couch, her smile growing wider, eyes flicking between you and phoebe.

julien cleared her throat as lucy looked over phoebes head. “what’s that?” lucy pointed towards your direction, causing phoebe to turn around confused. phoebes eyes landed on you as she dropped the phone that was in her hands.

“holy fuck-“ phoebe wasted no time running full force at you. she jumped into your arms, wrapping her legs around your waist as she yelled excitedly. you stumbled back a bit, holding onto her tightly. julien grinning while she sipped her coffee as lucy recorded the surprise on her phone.

phoebe lifted her head up from your neck, attacking your face with kisses. “i thought you weren’t coming?!” she said in between kisses on your cheek, neck, lips and forehead. you kissed phoebe back softly, moving to the couch, phoebe still in your lap.

“well it was a surprise wasn’t it? had it planned for a while, with the help of those two” you gestured to the other two boys. phoebe sighed happily, resting her head back onto your shoulder. “you don’t know how much i missed you”

you ran a hand across her back. “i know honey. but you know what?” your hands found themselves in phoebes hair, twirling some strands around with your finger. phoebe lifts her head up, raising an eyebrow.

“what?”

“i’ll be with you for the rest of the tour. as if you can’t get rid of me now” you missed her on the forehead.

“seriously? like - for real?” she perked up with a grin. “i don’t need to hug pillows anymore i can just cuddle you?” you nodded your head

“fuck- this is the best surprise ever” phoebe laughed, hugging you tighter. you leaned back on the couch, holding onto phoebe for a little while longer before she had to be physically dragged away from you to get her makeup done